Monday, March 22, 2010

I'm not all that!

If you have read my profile, then you know that I have known God for most of my life. HE is the reason that I smile and the reason that I love. HE is the one that I lean on and the one I can always talk to. And although, I have spent most of my life seeking HIM and getting to know HIM, I still have so much more to learn. I truly believe that our tragedies and our mistakes can be opportunities if we let them. What I mean is, if you don't learn something through your mistakes or become stronger through your struggles, then where does that leave you? It leaves you frozen and prevents you from moving forward. One of the biggest God lessons that I have learned lately was during the time that I received a second chance of life. God breathed his breath into me and caused my heart to beat once again. Not for me to take the circumstance for granted, but to learn something from it. I have learned so much from that experience. One of the hardest things I had to deal with was my big "ego". Come on..we all have one. I truly thought that I was living a good christian walk filled with humility. Boy, was I wrong! It all began in the hospital. It took the nurses and my husband, telling me several times throughout the day what had happened to me, before it really sank in. My heart had stopped. When I was finally able to absorb what had really happened, I started having a feeling of helplessness. My husband and daughter were in the room with me when I started showing signs of dieing. My daughter had to run down the hallway to get the nearest nurse she could find to come and help me. I can't imagine the fear that she must have felt during those moments. My husband stayed in the room trying to somehow revive me as my body was quickly fading away. When the nurses entered the room, they urged him to leave and he refused. He pleaded with the nurses to be able to be with me during my last moments. Against his will, he left the room and entered the hallway to meet my daughter and the hospital's patient advisor. Fearing the worst had already happened, they held eachother crying. My heart still aches as I try to imagine what they were going through at that very moment, not knowing what was happening on the other side of my hospital room door. My first thought, when finding all of this out, was that I wasn't there to comfort them or to hold them. I couldn't give them words of support or be with them during such a horrible moment in their life. I felt a feeling of panic and remorse. I even felt the need to apologize for not being able to be the strong wife and mother that I had always been for both of them. Then I realized...they didn't need me in that moment, they needed God. I'm not the one who offers the ultimate form of comfort and support, God is. I've always been the one who takes care of everyone emotionally and for once, I was too weak to do it. But they didn't need me to do it. I've been trying to carry the weight of their world on my shoulders, when God holds the world in HIS hands. There is no comparison. In a sense, I was trying to do God's job. I had been so busy trying to fix everything, that I forgot that I needed God to fix me. I'm not saying that it's not o.k to be a loving, supportive and dedicated wife and mother. That is what God requires of us. I was just trying to do more than my job required. The truth of the matter is, that when I wasn't there they DID turn to God. While they were standing in the hallway, holding one another and crying, they were also praying out loud to God for his intervention. They didn't need me to do that. humbling for me. There is nothing like God removing you from the picture to make you realize how little you are compared to HIM. I will never let myself become bigger and forget how awesome and magnificient my God is. I can't possibly be there for every little difficult moment they have in life. What a peaceful feeling knowing, that God has my family's back when I am here and when I'm not. Although I am special and uniquely made with God's own hands, I'm not " All That." But, I don't have to be...because God is! God doesn't need me to perform miracles, but I am sure glad I get to experience them! I give HIM all the glory for allowing me to have a second chance at life and for changing me. Thank you God for reminding me of how big YOU are. John 3:30, "HE must become greater, I must become less."

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