This will hurt me, more than it will hurt you.

I had one of those moments today. One of those "lose it with God" moments. I was frustrated and disappointed with a certain area in my life. Completely flabbergasted!! I lost it. Thank goodness I was in my truck when it happened...and alone. It had been wailing up in me all morning, I had held it in throughout my morning at work, like a huge frog in my throat...so not to make a complete dummy (crazy lunatic) out of myself. Getting carried off to the looney bin would not have been my idea of a good day. So..there I was...driving down the interstate...crying hysterically. I screamed out to God, "I'm tired. Why are things this way?"...and so on and so on. I will not bore you, or humiliate myself, by getting into the details of the intimacy of my tantrum with God. Only to finish it off by saying...it wasn't pretty. God was probably thinking I needed a really long "time out". After I had screamed and cried, and pleaded with God...I wiped my eyes. I was done. I had gotten out my frustration and fear to God. I arrived at my allergy doctor's office to get my weekly shots, with red and swollen eyes. It was the allergy doctor...they didn't suspect a thing. While I sat waiting for my shots to "do their thing", I still felt a little frustrated. I had let out a little steam, okay...alot of steam, but still my heart was not settled. I read my book, while reliving my tantrum in my mind. I had given up. After my shots were done, I got in my truck to run an errand before heading back to work. I turned on the radio to the local christian station, but the reception was bad. I flipped to another christian station that I used to listen to before I moved here years ago. They were introducing the broadcast of a sermon that was about to air. It was the sermon of two dear friends of mine, who pastor a church out of town. I had never heard him preach, much less on the air, so I listened...intently. Low and behold...it was on the very thing that I was upset about. Coincidence? I THINK NOT! It was about the children of Israel being taken out of Egypt and given the Promise Land. One thing that he said spoke to me as if God were right there in the truck with me. His words went like this:

And God said,

"Didn't I already save you from where you were before? Wasn't it worse than where you are now? Do you not think I can deliver you from this?"

Can you say OUCH!! It was such a revelation to me. Every once in a while, you hear people say, "Ooh..that sermon was for me." Well honey...that sermon had my name written all over it...in the middle, on the top, and down the sides. I listened as God spoke directly to my heart...my hurting heart. I sat as I felt the sting of conviction within my soul. I had doubted God...once again.

So many times, I forget what God has done for me. I get blinded and caught up in my dilemna (or what I think is a dilemna) and take my eyes off of God and what HE can do. I feel that no one knows how I feel. No one knows this kind of pain. This can't possibly hurt any worse. How is God going to fix this? And then...I feel that gentle nudge, as He softly grabs my shoulders, turns me around, wipes the tears from my eyes, so I can look in back of me and see...where He has already brought me from. He lovingly reminds me of where I once was and where I am now.

I forget, that God doesn't move when I want Him to...He moves when I NEED Him to. He has everything planned out for my good and His glory....building my character every step of the way. And no...He didn't fix my problem right there on the spot. He gave me food for thought. His food...His word...and that...I can take to the bank!! He is working in my situation right now and that is all I need to know...and believe!!

I also forget...that my pain is not my own. My pain was felt way before it affected my heart and caused me to react to it. I am not alone in my pain. The small, minute amount of pain that I feel at those doubtful times, is nothing compared to the pain that my Savior felt (feels) for me. Here I am losing it for something so small, when He carried so much more than I could ever imagine. He carried the world's pain. The world's! It reminded me of the saying that we have all heard once or twice in our growing up years...this will hurt me, more than it will hurt you. He bore my pain...so I don't have to. As much as I feel in my moments of weakness...it's nothing compared to what He felt for me. Physical pain, emotional pain, and yes...the pain we feel when we are alone in our private moments of doubt and weakness (tantrums). He has felt it all. All. He will bring me through the fire...unharmed and unscathed...revealing His Glory and His splendor. Out of Egypt...and into the Promise Land!!

Dear God...thank you for sending Your Son to carry my pain so that I do not have to. Thank you for convicting me when and where I need it the most. Forgive me when I fall short and forget where you have brought me from. Brighten me up through the fire God...to bring out Your splendor. Build Your character in me and remove anything that does not reflect Your glory. And God...thank you for listening to me...and for loving me inspite of my shortcomings (tantrums).

II Corinthians 5:21 God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.

Hebrews 12:2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith.

Psalm 142:3 When my spirit grows faint within me, it is You who knows my way.

Exodus 14:13 Moses answered, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the delieverance the Lord will bring today."

Psalm 30:1 You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.

Romans 5:3 Not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perserverance character; and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Ephesians 3:20-21 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever.