Sunday, August 7, 2011

31 days and counting...

This mom has a lot on her heart today.
I realized that there are no books that cover this part of my life.
There are thousands of baby books, toddler books and "How To Raise A Happy Child" books...
but, none that help me with this season of my life.

The "How to Pack Your First Born To Move Away From Home" book.
Not. One.
I don't think anyone could even begin to put into words what that is like or how to handle it, because each child is different, and each parent is different.
I take every ounce of my strength right now from God, and Him alone.
His Word gives me hope...
II Timothy 3:16-17
All scripture is God breathed and is useful for leading, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
And knowing, that at the moment she walks out of my door, she is walking straight to her Father's arms.
It brings me comfort in knowing that she holds His hand in this life and through eternity.
Her steps are filled with His loving grace, which makes me sigh a breath of relief.
I started slowly packing things away this past weekend, and each time I placed another thing into her box, I fought back the tears.
Yesterday, as I pulled her newly clean sheets out of the dryer, the ones that she will be laying on each night when she leaves home...I completely lost it, having to quickly hide in my room to cry.
The reality is hitting me hard in the face.
Very. Hard.
I've been dilligent to remain strong in front of her, not wanting her to think I am not happy that she is gong to experience an amazing nine months at Bible College. I want her to know that we are so proud of her and excited for this new season in her life that is fastly approaching, but at the same time, not seem eager for her to leave because that could hurt her feelings.
It's a crazy roller coaster of emotions.
How do I explain all of this to my heart?
I went to my room the other day and cried so hard that my body shook.
At moments when I think about her leaving, I lose my breath and that unwelcomed frog shows up in my throat.

Seconds later, I breathe again, and swallow that big painful gulp.

I know we (I) will get through this, that's it's a normal part of the "child rearing" process...
to love and raise our children into functional productive adults who find their purpose in this world,
but...again,
explain that to my heart.
I know she will return, but the leaving is something I haven't experienced yet.
When she was four years old, she was introduced to her newly born baby sister. I remember the day we brought her home and placed her carseat onto the couch. Amber gazed at her for a moment, kissed her gently on the cheek, then darted off to her room, only to return a few seconds later with her favorite toys in tow.
She began to explain to her, only seven day old sister, "You see dis", holding up her toy, "dat mine, not yours." She did this until her sister had laid her tiny little eyes on each of her toys.
I feel the need to do that with her and the world she is about to embrace,
"You see her, she's mine, not yours."
All the while knowing, in all actuality, that she belongs to the One who created her to be who she is.
She is, but a gift, that He gave to me.
And Oh, what a gift she has been!
Psalm 127:3
Children are a gift from the Lord, they are a reward from Him.
I will continue to move ahead and do the best that I can to hold it all together.
I may be back here again to pour out my heart or to celebrate a newly experienced moment with her.
I WILL enjoy each moment I have with her until she leaves.

Even those moments that I could put her in a headlock out of frustration...
yes, even those.
And in those little moments, scattered here and there, when she quietly admits to me, "I'm going to miss you Mom. I'ts gonna be hard for me to leave my home and to leave you", I will secretly go to my room, throw some confetti in the air and allow my heart to celebrate.
(Yes! She's going to miss me!)
So, time is running out and there are lots and lots of things to do...
including...
figuring out how I'm going to fit inside of her suitcase.
31 days and counting...
Thank You God for allowing me to hold her inside of my tummy for those few short months...
and for allowing me to carry her inside of my heart for the rest of my life.
Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

1 comment:

  1. Aw ... Tammy. Sweet post. I'm right behind you, sista!

    ReplyDelete

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