Saturday, July 17, 2010
It's not in the "why".
I have gotten a few messages in my facebook mailbox, questioning my recent and temporary departure from blogging. I find myself in need of a little explaining to do. I feel as though, I can be perfectly honest with all of you, being that I have shared many of my fears and weaknesses in the past. Including the fact, that I occasionally have "gas" in my kitchen...and not the kind that cooks the food on the stove. I had something happen to me, almost a year ago, that would change my life... I went in the hospital to have a routine surgery, and after returning to my hospital room from leaving the recovery room, I was given a shot for pain... that caused my heart to stop. It stopped for about 6 to 8 minutes. My body was showing the signs of death. I had no pulse. I was cold to the touch, my skin had turned blue/gray and my oxygen levels were extremely low. I was fading fast. Due to the quick actions of my husband and daughter, the nurses were able to come in and perform life saving procedures on me. (To all the nurses at OGH on the OB floor and Rhonda...I owe you my life! There are no words to express my gratitude. Thank you!) After several minutes, my heart began to beat again. I awoke to a room filled with nurses, doctors, and my husband holding my hand. It took the majority of the day for them to get me to understand what had happened. I remember nothing. Notta! A day or so later, I was allowed to return home, for much needed recovery, from both the surgery procedure, and the physical trauma my body endured. (Being that I had my life back, I felt it a little selfish to complain of any pain at all.) The healing process was longer, but I healed up perfectly. My heart hasn't skipped a beat since. Thank you God! A couple of days into my healing process at home, I began to experience anxiety. I had never had this before, so it was hard for me to deal with. If you have ever dealt with anxiety over anything, you know what I am talking about. It overwhelms you. It consumes you. I began to have a fear inside of me that I could not shake. I began to sleep with my television on. I slept with the light on. I went many nights with no sleep, or I would wake up every hour sweating uncontrollably, my heart racing, and having difficulty breathing. All anxiety. I began to pray...and pray hard. I was confused and felt alone at times. I did not understand how I could experience anxiety over something I had no memory of. I don't do well with things like this. I pride myself in being someone who lets things roll of my back like a duck. This wouldn't go away. I prayed and prayed. Then...I prayed some more. Eventually, the anxiety slowly began to fade away. It took months, but one day...it was gone. Gone. I began blogging not long after, which gave me much release and my heart great healing. I wanted to share my new faith with the world...with you. Something happens inside of you, when you get a second chance at life...I will try to explain it to you. I have always, since as long as I can remember, walked with God. At times, I was closer than others...then there were times I kept Him at a distance. But, I never let go of Him or His love for me...never. Although I was walking with Him...I was somehow asleep. It was as if I was "sleepwalking". I was asleep in my faith, my worship, my obedience, and my life with Him. Now... I am awake! I am awakened to things I never noticed before. I am awake to how I feel, what I see, what I hear, and who I am. I am awake in the Lord, in my spirit and in my heart. I am awake. I was sleepwalking with God. Life is so much more now. It is so much deeper. It is so much more meaningful. It is worth every breath that I take and every beat of my heart. I began a book a month or two ago. God didn't just save my life once...he did it countless times. I wanted to share those experiences. I wanted to write about my "dieing", and how it has changed me. Things were going fine, but then it happened. The anxiety came back. Once again, I was confused and felt very alone. Alone in my fear. Of what? I'm really not sure. So...I saw a counselor. I wanted answers, but really didn't have any questions. I wanted closure, but wasn't sure what door I was trying to close. Strange...I know. We talked for a while, and he reasured me that I wasn't going crazy. (Some of you who know me well, may want to dispute that claim.) He suggested that I take a season off from my writing and focus on my family. A break. Some time to heal. It will be one year from the incident on August 4th. It is too soon to write about. I am struggling to forget something that I do not even remember. But I do know this...I will. I will find healing. I will blog again. I will finish that book. I want to be remembered as the woman who lived...not the woman who died. But...before I convince you of that...I need to convince myself of it. God is helping me to do that. I do not want to know the "why" of the situation, but I long to find the "what". "What" I do know, is that God is not finished with me yet. He has only begun! "What" I do know, is how much my Father in Heaven truly loves me. "What" I do know, is that I want to live every day left of my life for Him. "What" I do know, is that life is too short to spend it fighting or bickering over something meaningless. "What" I do know, is that I kiss my husband longer now, I hug my kids harder now, I say "I love you" more often, I apologize faster and I forgive easier. "What" I do know, is I love to feel the sun on my face, feeling each ray warm up my skin. "What" I do know, is that I love to watch the rain fall to the pavement, as each drop makes it's own unique splash as it hits. "What" I do know, is that my eyes are opened to all of God's wonder and delight. It is though, life is in slow motion around me and I can see everything for it's truth, for it's purpose. "What" I do know, is that God has awakened my soul to feel a love that is unexplainable...and unforgettable. I don't know how I could have walked so long with God, and not truly taking in all that He had to offer me. "What" I do know...is that I am alive."What" I do know, is that the rest of my life, will forever be different...better."What" I do know...that in ALL things...God deserves glory! "What" I do know, is that if God is changing me...change is good. I've slept with the lights on for almost a week now. I slept all night last night...without waking up to even go to the bathroom. (That says alot for a woman, with the bladder the size of a sweet pea.) I'm finding healing. I will be made whole. Living is not in the "why", it's in the "what". As long as I allow myself to stay in the "why", I stay stuck in doubt, fear and confusion. But, when I look to the "what", I find God. I find what He is, and who He is molding me to be. I find peace, rest, love and wisdom. I find LIFE! I like the "what". As for the "why"...each day is getting a little easier. So...as far Finding The SONlight....that's exactly what I am doing. I will be back...one day...soon...back for good. But, for now...keep me in your thoughts, pray for me, visit the blog to read previous ones, and continue...in your own life...to find the sonlight! I Corinthians 14:33, "God is not the author of confusion, but of peace." Acts 17:28, "for in him we live and move and have our being." Psalm 73: 23-24, "Yet I am always with you, you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory." Psalm 13:6, "I will sing to the Lord for He has been good to me." I leave you with one of my favorite songs... Bring The Rain by Mercy Me