Friday, September 24, 2010

I never told you...

Today is my mom's birthday. She has been gone for about ten years now. Our relationship was rocky to say the least, and sometimes non-existant. Today is the first birthday of hers, that I have woken up to, and actually wanted to celebrate. I know that sounds very harsh, but years of hurt and pride kept me from even wanting to hear her name mentioned at family gatherings. Today is the first day in a very long time, that I can wake up and honestly want to celebrate her. Although she is gone, and not a phone call away anymore, I feel her with me. There are things I want to say to her...but she is not here to hear them. I often think back to the day that she passed, wishing I would have whispered, "I love you", in her ear just one more time. I am thankful to God for giving me a new way to see my mother. I wish I would have said many things to her, but I didn't. God has shown me these past few months, that my longing for healing in our relationship, was in my control the whole time. I allowed by pride to get in the way. I waited for her to come running to me, apologizing for my broken heart, and begging me for my forgiveness. All the while...I held the key to that forgiveness on a chain around my neck. Instead of embracing the forgiveness that I was holding...I held it back from her out of some sort of punishment. Not realizing...that my own unforgiveness was killing me on the inside...more than she ever did. You see...forgiveness is never with the other's with you. I have forgiven my mother. I have found peace. Thank you Jesus for not giving up on me.

Matthew 18:21-22 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

Mark 11:25-26 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. But if you do not forgive neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your sins.

Happy Birthday Mom! I'm sorry I never told you. I love you...this one is for you. (I know it's a love song, but the words scream out what I needed to say today)

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