Sunday, September 19, 2010

I'm not who I was...

I'm not who I was... I used to be an unstoppable, obsesssed, multitasking clean fanatic. (You may call it OCD...whatever) My entire existence was about keeping the cleanest house and having my life appear to be organized as much as humanly possible. I spent sun-up to sun-down making sure everything was in it's place and looking fabulous. I would stress myself out if there was just a minor thing out of place or dirty. I felt as though people would judge me according to the way my house looked. They would never suspect any underlying hurt or failure, if my house looked like a perfectionist lived there. Man! That must have been exhausting! And what I put my poor little family through .That's no fun for children. I was only attempting to cover up the true dirt that was underneath...inside of me. The me...who is now, is much different and much more content. I work in a full-time job, outside of my house now, which I didn't do before. My multitasking has taken a dramatic course change. I believe it is for the better. I still appreciate a clean house and a tidy life, but if it doesn't happen, then tomorrow will still come, and the same sun will rise in the sky. It doesn't mean the death of me or determine my contentment. I believed before, that if I kept a clean house, then my life would appear clean as well. I was only hiding the real truth under my obsession. As if a bottle of windex, a mop, some lysol spray and a dust-rag could clean up what was really going on inside of me. It was only creating a false aroma, and not getting the true stinch out. When I finally decided to clean up my life...that is my spiritual life, I found out that the cleansing blood of Jesus was the only real thing I needed to live the life that I desired. Although my job does take up a lot of my time, and separates me from my fierce need to clean, I know now that it's just not all that important anymore. For me to have such a clean house, when my insides are molding at the seems, from my lack of fellowship with the One who really appreciates who I am...dirt and all, just doesn't make sense anymore. I spent so much of my life cleaning it, trying to change things in my own way, that I couldn't fit God into my daily routine. I ended up just messing things up. The fact is, God loves me if my house is spotless and even when it's not. He loves me even though He knows and sees all my dirt. He simply loves me. In His love I found healing. In His love...I found me. These days are filled with so many tasks, that at times I forget what day it is, before the new one begins. I still attempt to multitask. I seem to fail miserably at it at times, but that's O.K. God would rather me obsess over Him, instead of things. I clean for a different reason now. I clean to create a safe and organized home for my family, not to clean up my dirty insides. I leave that to God. I stay focused on the smaller picture, instead of the big one. One day at a time...as they say. Take for instance this weekend, my one goal was to get all the clothes washed, folded and put up, before our new work and school week began. (We had about eight batches of dirty clothes!!) That's it...one goal. I am pleased to say...it's done! The rest of my weekend was spent loving my family, spending time with my husband, watching my son play soccer, enjoying the fellowship of a half a dozen teenagers, laughing, going to church, reading and spending some very needed quiet time, in the presence of a very Holy God. I found my contentment...it's found in God's presence. I'm not who I was... A friend of mine posted this as her status on facebook today. I think it fits perfectly into this blog.
"It is when we can surrender our human desires (wants, weaknesses, addictions, strongholds) that the transformation in spirituality begins to deepen and we begin a mystical journey toward divine union with the Lord. We must let go of our personal desire to change what we cannot."
Psalm 40:2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire, he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
Lamentations 3:25 The Lord is good to those who depend on Him, to those who search for Him.
Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own.

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