Monday, May 16, 2011

Knocking down fences.

Psalm 116:6
The Lord protects the simple hearted, when I was in great need, He saved me.

I had coffee with a good friend of mine the other day.

It was the first of, I hope many, coffee talks we will have together.

We were talking about the current changes that were going on in my life and hers.

We discussed my recent unemployment with a family that I had been working for, for over four years. I've been a housekeeper for about six years now, and I had begun working for them not long after starting my own cleaning business. It began with a couple of days a week, and in no time, I was spending five days a week there, and countless hours taking care of them and their family's every need. It's hard not to bond with people whom you spend the majority of your life with. They captured my heart and a friendship was formed. One that I would grow to nurture over the next couple of years.

Then, things changed. Hearts began to get broken with high expectations, that became harder and harder to meet. I was being taken for granted, or at least that's how I saw it. I had decided to leave my job. I just couldn't do it anymore. The stress and emotional strain was wearing me down.
I do not regret my decision to leave, however, I do regret that hearts were damaged because of it.
Mostly my own.
I had invested so much of myself and had left with a very heavy heart.

So there I sat, at my friend's table, chattin' it up in her kitchen. As I poured a cup of coffee, I also poured out my heart.

The words came out easy, way too easy.

"I'm not going to let myself get attached again. It's best for me to just clean several houses. I can be in and out quickly. That way my heart doesn't get involved again. And, no one gets hurt", I said while sipping on my coffee.

It was my new plan. Not to get attached. Protect myself at all costs.

A no-brainer.

The only logical thing to do.


Then, a few days later, the conviction hit me with hurricane forced emotions.

I can't believe I had said it.

I can't believe I had bought myself a ticket on the same railroad I had spent most of my life on.

The Protect Tammy Train.

The bad thing wasn't the first time I had said it. I relived in my mind each time I had said those words since I had left my job. I had said it alot...and meant it every time.
Then I wondered...

What am I doing?

Is that honestly how I feel?

Is that really what is best for me?

Is that what God intended for me when I left my job?

Am I going to hurt myself by "protecting" myself again?

Am I going to miss out on a blessing that God has for me because of my own fear?

Am I going to close up and put a chain link fence around my heart, so that no one new can enter in?

When God had just broken the chains of a life-long barrier I had created over my heart.

I'm at the end of a several month long bible study on insecurity, and I had been giving myself permission to be insecure!
Permission to close myself off from people.
I was slowly linking those chains together, tighter and tighter, each time I let those words leave my mouth.

How did things become so twisted in my mind to believe that this was okay?

I think that a part of me had been so tired of giving emotionally, and not receiving it back, that I thought that's how everyone was.

That's what people did, I thought.

That everyone was going to drain me emotionally, leaving me empty and begging for something in return. So, I'd better just protect myself before it happened again.

I had created my own remedy.

A quick-fix-it for myself.

The more I thought about it, the sadder I became for myself.

How did I not recognize the familiar scenery of a place I had already been?

I'm so glad He stepped in when He did.

Now, God is showing me that it CAN be reciprocated.
It can!

It's about giving the love that He intends for me to give.

Without hesitation.

And in return, He will see to it that my heart is protected.

I know that my Father in heaven wants more from me, and for me.

That maybe, just maybe, I can receive from someone else what I have been giving for so long.

That their friendship will be something that I need as well. That they will be a blessing.
I'm glad God got through to me when He did...cuz it wouldn't have worked any way.

Ya little quick-fix-it plan.
Come on, let's face it...I'm a people person.
I love people.
I love sharing my life with others. I love others sharing their life with me.

I love connecting with people and sharing God's love with them.

I was created to be a socialite!
It's what I do.
It's how I roll.

I'm so glad that God and I took a sledge hammer, held it tightly hand in hand, and knocked that fence down before it got too big.

I'm so glad He came to my rescue once again...saving me from myself.

I really like the people I'm working for.

I'm looking forward to forming lasting friendships with them.

I'm looking forward to what God intended for me all along...
to love people and to be loved by people.

Together...we are knocking down fences!

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I Peter 4:8

Most of all, continue to show deep love for eachother, for love covers a multitude of sins.

Hebrews 10:25

Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another-and all the more as you see the day approaching.

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