Sunday, November 13, 2011

Life flowing blood.

 I have been in a struggle for a couple of weeks now.

I've hit a wall of sorts and have had no direction to the getting out of my rut.

"What do I do now/where do I go from here?" rut.

I've sighed. and cried. and ached, trying to hold back the sobs that try to come.
I felt a loss of control, and it scared me.

"Where is all this coming from?",
 I prayed in my fight to hold on to that control.

The ache builds and builds within me.
My heart hurts with each pulse.

A new season maybe?
One that I prayed for, but wasn't necessarily prepared, for what it brought with it.

I've been playing tug of war with God, trying to see if I pulled hard enough, I would get my way, my will. 

I guess I still haven't learned that my will, as much as it makes more sense at times, will leave me face down in the mud.

I've been going back and forth with Him trying to negotiate and avoid the inevitable.

And in every way, around every corner...He shows up.

In every blog I read intentionally, and every blog I just so happen to accidentally come across...He's there.
I ache.

Every song I hear on the radio, containing a new message, although I've heard it a hundred times before...He's there.
The ache whispers.

I soak up the scripture and pray on the words that fill the pages...He's there.
The ache strengthens.

I talk to friends, venting about my struggle, they give me wisdom...He's there.
I ache more.

In the message coming from the lips of my pastor...He's there.
I ache to hear Him.
He's there.

Each whisper, although different in their approach, give out the same message to my heart.

As always and ever so faithfully...

He comes for me.

I can literally picture Him standing over me with love on His face,
 His arms folded in front of Him, saying with a smile,

"Are you finished yet? Have you seen enough?  Are you ready to give in to My will now?"

I giggle and smile within His loving discipline and rebuke.

He came for me in church last weekend.
It nearly took the breath out of me.
My soul ached a physical ache.
A hard lump filled my throat.
I faught the urge from my seat, to leave the auditorium and run outside, crying and screaming,
"Alright! Alright!"

In a nutshell...He's urging me to step out, move ahead to something new.
Except, the new that He is bringing me to, will come with some pain and some new unchartered territory.
I mean really...does my stubbornness know no limits!
I've put up my own road block.
My fear of the unknown and stubbornness has created the wall that stands before me.
Going around it isn't an option, because if it remains, I may be tempted to go back to it.
I've knowingly built it up.
My need to build it up isn't near as strong as His will to tear it down.
 He must tear it down,
so that He can rebuild His will within the rubble.

Reminding me that He is Life within the dust,
that His grace is more than enough,
that His blood flows with it's renewing strength,
 right in the middle of my mess.

Once again,
bringing beauty from the ashes.

He will do just that.

I hear His voice within the discipline.
 It mimics my own voice with my own children,
"You can make this easy, or you can make this difficult.  It's your choice, but either way, My will is going to be accomplished in You."

In my hope and sweaty anticipation...
I sigh a deep breath, and pray silently within my thoughts, the same prayer I have prayed for many months,

Take it Lord. Take my will exchanging it with Yours. Remove everything within my heart that does not bring You  Glory.  Make my life worth something  for Your use. Enlarge my territory. I need Your hand on me. Keep me close Lord."

I am quietly reminded, as a lump of tears fill my throat, of how so many, have so little,
and I...
who has so much, complains when I am handed more.

More of Him, that I think I can't handle.

The more that many crave, but may never find.

The more, that I prayed for with a desperate needing heart.

And the ache returns.
The aching in the pit of my stomach that steals my breath.

The aching to serve Him.

Like a mother who knows it's time for labor with each swelling pain...

I know.

It's time to give in to the pains of labor and birth something new.
 I know what I need to do, I just don't know what will happen when I do.
Honestly, I don't know what's going to happen on most days, but I am comforted that I do not need to know...only He does.

I know that even as He lay on the cross, suffering and sacrificing,  His redeeming blood pouring freely from His side...He knew then, each breath I would take, each struggle I would have, each step I would have to take.
 He knew, that I needed His life flowing blood to get me through it.

He knew then, and He knows now.

I just have to know Him,
 and walk contently,
 soaking wet,
 in His life flowing blood.

Jeremiah 29:11
I know the plans that I have for you, declares the LORD. They are plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope.

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