The Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion.
I grabbed my purse and stormed out the door, shouting and screaming who knows what.
Tears ran down my cheeks like a rushing flood as the emotions raged from within.
I felt the anger rise up my neck.
I opened my car door, climbed inside and slammed it shut.
I screeched out the driveway continuing to scream and cry.
As I drove down the street, I banged my fist on the steering wheel as I screamed out to God,
"What next?!! What else do You want me to give up for You?! We're losing everything! I've got nothing left to give You. Nothing!"
I stopped my car at the nearby Walgreens, placed it in park, and cried for what seemed like an hour.
With a tear stained shirt, swollen eyes, a chest out of breath and a heart exhausted, I pleaded with God,
"I don't know what You are doing. I am tired, and all I can do is trust You, and I don't always do that like I should, but You have me. You have all of me, and I will follow You wherever You take us."
That was one year ago.
I've shed many tears since that day, and maybe shouted at God a time or two more.
But, I'm still standing.
He is still here with me.
I am still His.
One year can make a world of difference.
During that time, we had just about lost everything that we had worked hard for.
I was broken. and angry. and frustrated.
Our world was crashing down and we were standing in the rubble of it all shaking our heads in disbelief.
Unknowning of where God was leading us.
I didn't understand why God was allowing things to happen the way they were, and I wanted things fixed as fast as they were broken.
I know now,
that God allowed things in our life to be destroyed,
because He wanted to be the One to rebuild it.
He is The Builder.
He needed to work. in us. through us. around us. among us.
And He did.
I could have never, in a million years, planned out and completed all of the things that God has done this past year in our lives.
It's almost unbelievable what He has accomplished, and my head gets dizzy just trying to take it all in.
I'm just a willing vessel, trying to do my best to keep up with a great God.
It's funny how emotions work.
When we are in a moment like I was that day, we feel so desperate and out of sorts, that we think we can't possibly be freed of our circumstance.
But, He knows.
He knows how much our heart can take, and He knows exactly what it takes to get through to us.
I love the way that He comes for me.
Looking back now, I giggle a bit to myself and think how ridiculous I must have looked beating up my steering wheel.
Now that I'm on the other side of the pain,
it doesn't look as bad as it did back then.
I'm here to tell you...
that God loves us within our tantrums.
He knows the sacrifice it will take for us to follow His will at times.
He knows the pain and the grief of life,
but He also knows the feel of victory,
and He wants us to feel it too!
He has a compassion and grace for us that CAN NOT be measured.
As I sit and type this morning,
I take in all that is around me.
I recap the past year that has come and gone and the tears that have fallen.
I smile as I think of the scripture in Psalm that reads,
"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have kept all my tears in a bottle."
That bottle must be overflowing by now.
I count the joy.
And, oh how the joy out weighs the pain.
Oh, how the joy evaporates the tears to no more.
Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning.
I continue looking...
and I see that everything is different.
But, everything is better!
I can honestly say,
that I am thankful to God for bringing us to a season of loss and pain,
because it brought forth a season of joy and gain!
Regardless of whatever circumstances tell us, we must know beyond the shadow of a doubt that He is, at His very core, a gracious, compassionate God.
And no matter if you feel as though you have nothing left to give Him,
maybe, just maybe...
He just wants you to follow His lead.
To follow Him, is to worship Him.
He will lead us to His best, if we just follow Him.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."