Monday, March 5, 2012

Even when my heart is in Romania.






Isaiah 40:12

See, the Sovereign Lord comes with power, and his arm rules for him.  See his reward is with him, and his recompsense accompanies him.  He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.
Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance?


As I sit and type early this morning, my daughter is minutes away from landing in Paris.  She has begun her journey to Romania for her missions trip with her fellow Master's Commission students and leaders.
By later this morning, she would have traveled thousands and thousands of miles for her feet to touch foreign soil to be able to minister and share the sweet Love of Jesus with those less fortunate.

Oh, how we take for granted the free gift of Jesus.

As we rode to church yesterday morning, to see her off on her trip, I could feel the lump swelling up in my throat.  I argued with myself inside my head,

"Don't cry yet.  You don't want to let her see you cry before you leave.  You can do this.  Hold it in a little longer."

That's at least what I tried to tell myself.

My heart seemed to beat a thousand times per minute as I hugged her tightly and told her about a hundred "I love you"s and how extremely proud I was of her.

We walked away, as she went in the other direction pulling her rolling suitcase behind her, and entered the sanctuary for church service.

The tears began to swell within my eyes as I tried to hold it all in and smile at those around me.

As I took my seat, the weight of the world bore down on my shoulders and chest.

"Not yet, don't cry. Not yet."  I urged myself on.

As the announcements were shown on the big screen above my head, my body began to ache and my mind, once again, began to tossle around thoughts,

"Did I tell her I loved her enough?  I should have said it one more time.  Maybe I should have hugged her tighter and longer. Why did I let go of her so quickly?"


I can't put into words how I have felt these past few days, how my body and soul has ached with her getting on a plane and leaving the country.

I have always, always known that this day would come...
the day that her feet would trod all over the world to share the Love that has been inside her since she was only eleven years old.

The love, the  yearning, and the passion to serve her God wherever He saw fit.

I knew she was destined for greatness.
I knew she would be a world changer.
I knew her heart was for people, all around the world, to know Jesus like she does.

I knew, I knew.

What I didn't know, was how I would feel over her leaving.

I trust God where she is concerned and I knew she was His to do whatever He needed for His plan to be lived out.

I just didn't know that these emotions would swell within me so strongly.

The letting go.

Friends have convinced me that it is a "momma thing". That the emotions I am feeling, they too feel or have felt when their children traveled out of the country.  And I truly believe that.

I find comfort in knowing He too knows the process of letting go.

I was frustrated with God though...
over preparing my mind to take it, but somehow forgetting to prepare my heart.

Or maybe He did.
Maybe He wanted my heart to know these feelings.
To show me that He was with me through it, so I would need Him in a way that I had never needed Him before.

That in our needing Him,
we offer up a worship of complete surrender and utter reverance to Him.

That as we feel the pain of our hearts, He feels it right along with us.

I do know that He knows my heart and my pain and He is gracious enough to let my hurt be of worship to Him in some way...

As I stood going back and forth within my head of what I didn't do or what I should have done before she left, the words of the next song in worship rang out with an enormous anthem,



Take my heart
Lord will You take my heart
As I surrender to Your will
I confess You are my righteousness
Until You move me, I'll be still
And know that You are GOD

You hold my world in Your hands
You hold my world in Your hands
I am amazed at Your love
I am amazed that You love me

You hold my world in Your hands
You hold my world in Your hands
I'm not afraid
My world is safe in Your hands



As I heard the words, it was as though God was reaching inside my chest and gently caressing my heart.

Tears began to flood my cheeks.

No sound could leave my mouth.
I couldn't have sung along with the words even if I tried.

I stood, with my arms raised high, my body shaking from releasing all of the built up emotion,

worshiping Him with my tears.

In my mind I saw a glimpse of me holding Amber as a baby, pulling off her tiny pink socks and holding her tiny baby toes within my fingers.

And then I saw the bigger picture...

God holding the world, that our house sat on, that her room was in, the floor that that rocking chair sat on, and me holding her, gently touching her little toes.

He knew then, nineteen years ago, as I held her tiny delicate toes in my hands, where they would one day walk for Him.

And as the words echoed around me, I truly felt His presence and His warm embrace,

"I've got her.  I've got you.  I've got the whole world.  It's all in My hands."

The tears were unstoppable at that point.
They fell with every breath and I somehow was able to mudder out one small,

"Thank you God."


I was then immediately reminded of a blog I wrote just a few short months ago, when she left home to go off to college.


It was titled,



I smiled within the quiet moment standing there with Him.
And even though there were over a thousand people in the sanctuary, I felt as though it were only me and God in the room.

He gently reminded me that He is still the God I needed then, the God that rescued me and comforted me through that time, and that He was still there for me now.

That, He was still there for her.
That, He is still God.

And I know that as my heart, my sweet daughter, is on a plane on her way to Romania, He is still holding on tightly to both of us.


"He gathers the lambs in his arms
 and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young."
Thank you God for Your eternal presence,
and for continuing to remind me how much I need You.
And for reminding me that You are always there,
always...
even when my heart is in Romania.


You are God!


Deuteronomy 32:4
He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.







2 comments:

  1. i don't know when you wrote this... if it was before or after i posted on your facebook page "he's got the whole world in his hands"... i think it's significant though, because those words felt prompted by the Holy Spirit. when i started typing that i was praying for you and your people, those words pressed up, and i typed them obediently. :)it seems he really wants you to know that. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, you are right and I thank you for being obedient to the Holy Spirit. I thought that too when I read your comment and hadn't had the opportunity to thank you for that. So, without further ado...THANK YOU! After all of the remindind He is doing, I think I finally get it. LOL

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