Captivated

James 4:8

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

I sometimes wish I were like the Psalmist David,

 spewing out words of desperate, yet beautiful, poignant poetry to God.

But...

I definitely think I miss the mark on that comparison.

As I lay in bed weaping a blubbery wet mess on my pillow out to God...

I hardly think He sees any likeness to His servant David.

Or does He?

I read this quote in the prelude to the book of Psalms in my bible the other day...

Prayer is elemental, not advanced, language.  It is the means by which our language becomes honest, true, and personal in response to God.  It is the means by which we get everything in our lives out in the open before God.

I definitely got it all out in the open for God the other night as my tears soaked my pillow.

It wasn't pretty or poignant or poetic.

It got honest, true and very personal.

My prayer was out of complete desperation.

It was elemental.

I cried an ugly cry before Him.

I'm pretty sure He wasn't surprised.

I even think, that He was just waiting for me to get it all out.

Waiting for me to speak the words He knew I was already feeling,
 and somehow attempting to hide from Him.

The God of truth,
wanted me to be honest with Him.

He needed me to communicate with Him.

He desired my openness.

I tried to ignore the issue, and hide from it,

but it was there...

looking me in the face every day.

When I do that, I tend to ignore Him and stop talking to Him.

This just adds to the issue and I sink further back.

I think that it's "no big deal" and I just need to keep it all in.

But, the things that matter to me, or that hurt me, or that worry me...
also matter to Him.

I matter to Him.

When I keep it all to myself, I keep myself from Him.

The truth is...

life is hard.

it hurts at times.
sometimes its really stinky and unfair.

change is difficult and crazy.

waiting for results is excrutiating.

fear creeps in like an unwanted guest.

worry hovers like a dark cloud.

it makes me shrink back into a quiet desolate place.

When I don't talk to Him and get it all out,
my soul begins to feel dry like the desert I'm in.

So I did.

I released it all.

The ugliness of my frustration and every wet tear that could possibly fall.

Psalm 56:8 
You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.

Then I let it go.

It became no longer my issue, but His.

He gained control.

And that...

is beautiful poetry to God.

That is music to His ears.

Psalm 57:1
O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.

As I lay in my bed,

 after all the tears had fallen,
 and all of my frustration and worry had flowed out like a broken faucet,

I could see Him for what He was.

I took my eyes off of my problem,

and placed it on my Deliverer.

As I cried for help, I entered His presence.

He bent down to listen to my whimper.
He covered me with His peace.

His love enveloped me.

He rescued me.

And in that quiet personal moment of release...
He captivated me.

Psalm 18:1-6

I love you, God-

you make me strong.

God is bedrock under my feet,

my rescuing knight.

My God-the high crag

where I run for dear life,

hiding behind the boulders,

safe in the granite hideout.

I sing to God, the Praise- Lofty,

and find myself safe and saved.

A hostile world!

I call to God, I cry to God to help me.

From His palace he hears my call;

my cry brings me right into his presence-a private audience!