Monday, September 10, 2012

He keeps me from running.

I almost ran last week.
Ran straight out the door and as far as from my homeschool responsibilities as I could.
This year has already proven to be a doozy.
Last year, with only a few minor bumps here and there,
proved to be a pretty good first year of homeschooling for all of us.
We all came out unscathed and willing and wanting to continue on in the homeschooling process.
I'd say that alone was a great success.
Especially due to the fact that my teenage daughter had vowed at the beginning of the year that she was "not going down without a fight" in regards to leaving public school and entering a classroom that included her younger, sometimes irritating little brother.
I'd say we all scored greatly in that department, being that her new vow is "I'm never going back to public school!" and her little brother, well he is still breathing and they have actually developed a slightly better relationship.
But this year...the doozy I was talking about,
hit me last week like a very fast oncoming train with all its bells and whistles.
It hit me hard. and without any notice.
We have decided to take a different route with curriculum for my daughter.
We are using several different kinds, all on a much different scale than last year's "pop in a cd rom" curriculum that seemed to start our homeschooling experience off pretty well.
Even though it was easy, it was too easy, and led to days of boredom for her.
Boredom is not my goal for our homeschool.
I want their experience to be interesting and fun so that it will stay with them.
Boredom leads to forgetfulness.
I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I started this new system.
There are HUNDREDS of curriculums out there.
Thus began my panic attack.
What do I use?
What if what I pick she doesn't like?
What if she gets bored and doesn't learn?
What if I don't understand it and can't even teach her?
What? What? What?
What am I even doing trying to homeschool?
The "whats" were endless and I began to doubt my ability to homeschool all together.
I was on the verge of tears several times and I felt like running was the only solution.
The "I can't"s whispered loudly into my ear.
The fear of failure loomed over me like a dark heavy cloud.
I began to feel very overwhelmed and very under qualified.
In a sense, doubting God and where He had brought me.
I was at my computer this past weekend working on editing another blog that I write for and edit for.
As I was updating our writer's profiles, I came upon my own.
I read it to see if anything had changed and I came across this part,
Tammy attended McNeese University for one year in her pursuit for a teaching degree. Early in her Sophomore year, her plans took a sudden turn, after becoming pregnant with her second child. She then decided that her skills, and her heart, belonged at home with her children.
And there it was.
I realized sitting there that God had me right where He wanted me, and it was the exact place that I had chosen to be over 15 years ago.
He was bringing to reality a dream of my heart from years past.
I dreamed of being a teacher and instilling into children the joy of learning.
But at the same time, a bigger dream pulled me in another direction.
The dream of being a mother and being able to be at home with my children watching them learn and bloom right before my eyes.
He had now brought both dreams together in a way that I never thought possible, much less that I was capable of.
 My obedience to the call on my heart all those years ago was being rewarded with Him giving me the best of both worlds today.

I remembered in that moment the words He spoke to me a little over a year ago,
"You are going to homeschool your children."
He didn't ask me.
He didn't question His own plan.
He said it very matter of factly.
You. are. going. to.
So I realized, if He knew I was going to, then He knew I was capable.
He knew I would have what I needed to accomplish it, because He was going to give it to me.
I just needed to trust Him.
On those days that I feel very underqualifed, He has called me qualified.
Even though I don't see it, He does.
And that is something I can hold onto.
That is what keeps me from running.
That is what keeps me still.
He keeps me from running...He keeps me still.
I find it ironic that He has brought that same dream alive in my heart,
with the same child that I had left it behind for.
He is the Dream Fulfiller.
I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that homeschooling was the best decision for my children, especially my daughter. She was in a place that only God knew about, and He scooped her up and placed her right where He wanted her.
It's one thing when God comes through for me,
It's an even greater thing when He comes through for one of my children.
Then again...they are His afterall.
So for today, and in this season of my life...
I don't run.
I'm hanging up my running shoes and staying put,
 taking on each new challenge the best way that I can,
one step at a time.
Psalm 56:3
When I am afraid, I put my trust in You.

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