Wednesday, October 31, 2012

The 3D Mom


Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness,
 and all these things will be given to you as well.

I find myself feeling very 3-dimensional lately.
It's much different than the usual feelings of emotion
 that move and flow through my life on a daily basis.
I've had the privelege of being a mom to three amazing and awesome young people.
They have stretched my life and heart in ways unimaginable and I am better because of it.
I should have known when they were born into my life to take space within my heart, that the stretching was bound to happen to make room for more Love.
Their love, in many ways, has healed me.

But, I have wondered what God is up to from time to time in this whole mothering thing.

I've asked Him...
"Ughh, are you sure I can bend that way God? Because it feels like I'm just going to break right here, right now, in this very spot."

On some days, I actually have been broken...
but He is quick to pick me up and mend my brokenness, only making me stronger because of it.

Using my weakness to bring out strength.
He has challenged me in ways that I did not expect,
 like where I am right now.
There is a 5 to 6 year gap between each of my children.
A gap that I have well appreciated over the years.
One that I know God planned out perfectly just for our family.
And lately,
it's the one thing that has made me feel 3-dimensional.

They are all so very different and require something different from me in this particular season of life.

Dimension 1:
My oldest daughter has been out of our house for a year and a half now.
She began her second year of Master's Commission (Bible College) this past September.
She will be 20 years old in January.
And as I type that number above, I let out a big sigh.
A sigh of... "Where has the time gone? Where did my little blonde curly haired girl go?"
She is an amazing young woman who is filled with such greatness.
She is determined to change the world around her and
fulfill the calling on her life no matter what the cost.
Her love for God runs deep and thick within her veins
and pulsates the heart that beats inside her chest.

She is creative and talented and has a true compassion for others.
She has no idea how beautiful and amazing she is, her humility is genuine.
But, she radiates. Simply radiates.
I am one proud Momma of that brilliant girl.
Our relationship has changed over the past year or so.
She needs me but doesn't need me all at the same time.
She needs my heart and my ears to listen to her go on and on about her days and what God has done in and through her. 
She explains her goings-on with such passion and zest and feeling and
I love her for that.
She still needs my advice and my direction,
 but done gently, sort of in the shadows,
and in a way that I haven't had to before.

She needs me... to let go, but hold on.
She needs me to let her find her own way now,
and be there to help her if she needs a direction every now and then.
Oh yes,
our relationship has changed...
but I feel it's for the better.
I feel it's what she needs,
what I need.
It's the letting go but holding on just enough.
 Just enough.

I remember the way I felt a little over a year ago when she left home.  On the ride home I felt as though my heart had been ripped from my chest and I could not breathe in those moments.  I cried with my entire body feeling as though my soul was being emptied out.
The days and weeks after would get worse as I saw the emptiness in our home that she once filled with her laughter, her beautiful voice echoing through the halls as she sang and played her guitar in worship to her Savior, and her sweet smile.

My heart felt torn between who she was becoming and who God was calling me to be.

I thought those feelings would last forever.

I walked into the bathroom at church this past Sunday and saw my sweet friend crying, because she too had recently saw her son off to college the same way, and her heart was still raw where it had been torn with goodbyes.

I hugged her and said,
"It's okay to feel sad right now and this too shall pass.  One day you will celebrate where he is and your heart will heal."

I realized with those few words spoken, that that is just where I was now.

Even though there are days that I miss her so very much and I find myself staring at her empty chair at the kitchen table wishing things to be the way they once were,

I can now celebrate where she is and where I am.
My heart has healed.

What a gift to be her Mom, what a gift to be right where we are today.

Dimension 2:

My second daughter is 15.

This girl has rocked my world.

She couldn't be more opposite from her older sister,
but she is every bit as great and brilliant.

I learned through this young girl that no two children are alike and no two children can be parented the same.

She is unique in every way and I love her so much for that.

She is creative and passionate in all areas of life.
She is not just the brightness of the sun,
but she is the moon...
and if she had it her way,
she'd walk it one day.

She is adventurous and clever and her sweetness is felt by everyone she comes in contact with.

Her love for God is gentle and pure,
not outspoken...
but very personal.

She's beginning to find her way in who she is in Him
 and it has unlocked even more greatness within her.
 She needs me in the now. Today, right here.
She needs me to keep her life balanced as it wants to toss her around with new emotions,
choices and challenges.

She needs me to tell her "no" when her strong will screams "yes" to something that might not be the best for her.

Those days aren't always my favorite,
and they tear me in bits and sometimes drain me of all my energy causing me to hold my breath in emotional exhaustion.

But when she comes to me later waving her little white flag of surrender,
sometimes hidden in a little smile
or the tiny gesture of wanting me to sit in her room with her as she folds her clothes
or even in handing me half of her Smores Pop-tart,
I know, that my heart will live another day.

That we, her and I, are growing together.

Being her Mom has blessed my heart to overflowing.
This girl, in all her wonder,
will one day change the world around her.

Dimension 3:

My son just made 10 years old.
Yes, double digits. Meaning, no more little ones in our home.
I sigh, again.

He is the sweetest, most gentle creature I have ever met.

He came to us at a time when the hope for our growing family had ceased.

You would think that by now, I would be some sort of a pro at this whole mothering thing, but the rasing of this man child has definitely stretched me.

Girls I know, well somewhat, because I am one.
But this whole boy thing?


How does a female raise a future man, leader of his one day family and home?


I'm not all sure on most days, but I'm learning a little more every day.

I've actually begun reading,
Hope for the Weary Mom: Where God Meets You in Your Mess, A Guide to Raising Godly Men.

I know I won't find all the answers I seek within the pages of this book.
That can only be found in hiding myself in His grace, in His Word and in His presence,
but I do hope to find something that makes me feel a little more normal in my worry of what to do, or what to say, or how to breathe in all of this.

I've definitely mellowed out a bit with my son and have allowed my own mistakes to embrace the Grace that God has so freely given to me.

My little guy has made me smile until my face hurts.
He has the most contagious laugh.
He gives the best hugs.

He, has been my friend.

He is intelligent, yet quiet and courageous and very eager to find his way.

He asks me all the time what his gift is.

He wants so much to know his God-given purpose.
Even at such a young age,
he desires to know God and make Him known.

He lives and breathes video games and soccer,
 from the time he wakes up until the time he goes to bed at night.

The other day we were at soccer practice.
I watched him from my lawn chair as he listened intently at the other children talking around him.

He is so much like his father...a man of few words.

But when he speaks, you'd better believe what he says will have great depth, emotion and meaning.

I watch him listening to them, and I see the love in his eyes for his friend as one of them begins to down himself and his ability to be goalie in the next soccer game.

His little blue eyes filled with compassion stare on as he listens to his friend, never interupting him.

And then I see him put his little hand on the space behind his friend's neck rubbing his back, comforting him.

I hear him quietly say,
"You are a great goalie. You just have to believe in yourself."

My heart melts.

He holds the same characteristic as His Savior.
He is a friend among men.
An encourager.

He needs me, all of me, every day, all the time.

He has been this Momma's heart's delight.

So here I am, the 3D Mom.

Raising and loving three kids, who are all very different in mind, emotion, needs and age.
Whose life and heart is being stretched and pulled on some days...
yet fulfilled and blessed on most.

I find comfort in knowing that God is here with me every step of the way,
gently drawing me closer to Him,
 as I gently guide them closer to Him.

Being 3-dimensional means having more depth in the way you
 see and feel something. It gives you the opportunity of embracing something from all angles and all areas. 

3D allows you to have the full effect of something.

The full effect.

God has surely given me the full 3D effect as their Mom.
They have made me challenge myself, doubt myself, and love myself all in the same day.
They have brought out dimensions that I never even knew existed.
They have caused me to feel emotions I never knew I could.
They have caused me to love harder and feel stronger.
I would not be who I am without them.
 I feel blessed to embrace all of 3 of them in every season of their life and mine.

These 3 kids of mine have awakened my soul to new heights and more love than I could ever imagine.

They take up space within my heart and my life and
I wouldn't have it any other way.

We are heart roomies for life!

I want to embrace and see and feel it all.
Every ounce.

So, I'll continue doing my best to find my way in this whole mothering thing.
This wonderful and crazy journey, that shifts and winds and turns on the blink of an eye.

This unimaginable path, I have been honored to be on.

This Mom thing...them needing me to LOVE them with all that I am,
is the best thing,

Micah 6:8

But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women.
It's quite simple:
Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love,
And don't take yourself too seriously--take God seriously.

How has motherhood stretched you?

Do you ever feel like a 3D Mom?

Please feel free to share in the comment section below.


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