Monday, February 11, 2013

Just a little is too much.

1 Samuel 15:22
But Samuel replied:
“Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices
as much as in obeying the Lord?
To obey is better than sacrifice,
and to heed is better than the fat of rams."

 I was standing in the laundry room of my job, folding a towel,
when God spoke to my heart to begin homeschooling my children.

Although it was almost two years ago,
I remember it like it was just yesterday.
His voice was clear and could not have been mistaken for my own.

This new plan was not something I would have suggested for myself, or for my family.

Without a shadow of a doubt, I knew it was God.

He was very specific.

He said,
"You will stop working and homeschool your children."

Pretty easy to understand, right?

The thing is, I didn't listen. I didn't obey.

I homeschool my children, and have ever since He told me to do so.

I never, all the way let go of the "working" part.

I quit my job that I was currently working in.

But soon after,
and before our brand new homeschooling life began,
I started to work again.

When school began,
I had to slack off because I couldn't handle both.

(This should have been an indicator for me.)

It was just way too consuming to do both and it was getting the best of me,
and my kids.

I quit all of the jobs I worked at that time...
except one.

I was determined to hold on to one, just one.

It gave me a little extra spending money for the kids and I.
Fieldtrip money, gas for my car, a movie here and there, lunch in town...and whatever else I could help out with.
In my mind it made sense to keep that one job.
No harm, no foul, right?

A few weeks ago, while at work,
God reminded me of that moment in the laundry room a couple of years ago.

I was cleaning the bathroom sink and His voice was just as clear as it was that day a couple of years ago...

"You will stop working and homeschool your children."

In a know it all sort of way,
I answered...
"I know. I did."

There was silence, and my spirit felt a quickening.
 Then it hit me.
I was still working.

Conviction began to hit my spirit and it battled with the "ifs" and "whats" for a while in my mind.

I couldn't stop thinking about it for the days and weeks that followed.

There I stood,
disobeying God.

It didn't matter if I had stopped working my first job, or all of the others after.

The truth was, that I was still working.
Still disobeying.
Disobedience is sin, therefore I was holding onto my sin.

My stubborn flesh began to worry and question God's intentions,

"How do I quit? I love my job. I love my boss. Where will I get that extra spending money?"

It wasn't much but it was something that helped me feel like I was contributing.

I struggled with letting go of it, even though I knew  what I needed to do.

Conviction continued to grow.

I even spoke to my daugher about it, telling her I knew I needed to quit it.

But still, I didn't quit.

I don't know why, but I just couldn't let go of it.
I even began to wonder what the big deal was.

"It's just one job and a small one at that. I quit everything else. Surely this one isn't a big deal."

I made my disobedience make sense within my own mind.
I fanoogled my way around not doing what I knew God wanted me to do.

Don't we do that?
Don't we make excuses for our sin?
Don't we make it look like we need our sin?
 Don't we fanoogle around what we should do and make it look like we are doing it?

God isn't fooled by our sin. Never has been. Never will be.

God wasn't fooled by my disobedience.
That job, is no more.

I wish I could say that I obeyed God and finally made the decision to quit it,
but I can't.

I can say humbly and with great conviction,
that God did what my stubborn will was refusing to do.

I received a text from my boss on Saturday saying that she no longer needed me working for her.
Say what?!
Their lives are changing and she isn't going to be needing me anymore.

She told me what a great job I had done, said it was a pleasure to get to know me, said she had never had anyone work so hard for her before, apologized over and over, and said it probably didn't make sense to me why she was letting me go.

But, I knew... it made perfect sense.

The thing is...
God wants my best. He wants our best.
He wants all of me. He wants all of you.
He wants me whole and as long as I hold onto just a little bit of what is not good for me,
 I am not whole.

Sure, maybe the job wasn't doing harm to me, but my disobeying God was.

Just a little disobedience is still disobedience.

Just like...
just a little lie is still a lie.
just a little hate is still hate.
just a little greed is still greed.
just a little unforgiveness is still unforgiveness.
just a little sin is still sin.
just a little mud will still make you dirty.
just a little weed will still infect your entire garden.
just a little dipping of your toes in forbidden waters will still make you wet.

Just a little is too much.

It didn't matter if I thought it didn't make sense for me to quit that one little job,
it mattered to God.
What matters to God should matter to me.
He has a plan for my life that I shouldn't question.
I need to just trust Him and know that He holds my future
 no matter what.

My husband got home from work shortly after I received the text.
I wasn't sure what his reaction would be at me losing my little job.

I myself, had begun to have an unexplainable peace about it.
I was actually relieved. It was like a weight had been lifted, even if it was only a small one.

I told my husband and his reaction was this,
"Well, I guess that settles it. You are needed more here than you are there. Maybe God is opening up your schedule for something else." 

I was shocked and asked him why he wasn't upset over it.

He responded,
"Maybe that's just something you've been needing to let go of anyway."


I smiled a huge grin and knew God's hand was on us.

I realized, the more I thought about it, that my disobedience was all about control.

I wanted to hold onto just a little bit of control.

Even though it was just a little income and just a little job,
I knew that if I let go of it,
I had to trust God completely to provide what I contributed.

In not doing that, I limited God and put Him in the preverbial box.

He wants the control. All of it.
He shouldn't settle for anything less.
He gave us ALL of Himself, shouldn't we do the same?

Galatians 2:20
I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God. who loved me and gave himself for me.

He wants us to be willing to do whatever it is He asks us to do.
He wants us to drop whatever we must, let go of whatever we need to,
lay it down completely...
and follow Him.
(Matthew 19:21)

He wants our trust.
He wants us to know that He has us in His hands.
  All of us. Every part.

Everything God ever asks you to do, even if it's difficult,
He asks because He has something great in mind for you.
~~Joyce Meyer

I believe that God has something great planned
 for this new season of finally, and officially, being unemployed.

I believe that He has opened up my time to be more present for my family
 and most importantly,
to do more for Him.

I want to give Him the best of me, not just what's left over.

He deserves all of me!

We sang this song yesterday during our worship service.
It ministered to my heart and met me right where I was.

it will minister to you.


1 comment:

  1. Yay for you girl!! Great post.

    Now you can help me more. ;)


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