Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Down in the dirt.

John 8:1-8, "But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Again, he stooped down and wrote on the ground. This is a very popular story in the Bible. Many of us can relate to it. I've always thought that the story, was just about how we judge others according to their sins, when our sins are just as big as theirs. But, God has revealed to me, that it means so much more than that... I would have to say, that the lowest point of my life, happened on the floor of my bathroom. It was the day that I was all alone at home, and I lost my third baby through miscarriage. I was ten weeks pregnant at the time. My previous miscarriages were difficult, but not near as difficult as this one. For the other miscarriages I had experienced physical and emotional pain, that lasted for several days. This time would prove to be much different. I was up early that morning, and I was getting some normal household chores done. I was standing at the kitchen sink, washing dishes, when I felt a pop inside my abdomen. I had never felt anything like that before, and it wasn't really painful, so I just kept on cleaning. Soon after, I started feeling alot of pressure in my lower abdomen. Thinking that maybe my bladder was full, I went to the bathroom. I closed the door behind me and sat down. What happened next, would change my life that day. I suddenly had an urge to push, so I did, and a huge gush of blood flowed out of me. Having two miscarriages previously, I knew the worst was happening once again. I began crying and felt the urge to push again. I had another gush of blood, followed by the loss of my baby. I was hurt and devastated. Still bleeding pretty badly, I rushed out of the bathroom and grabbed the phone. I called my doctor, and told him what was happening. After he asked a few questions, he told me to do something that was going to be very difficult for me to do. For my other miscarriages, the doctors were not able to figure out, why I had lost the babies, so he asked me to retrieve what I could, and bring it to the hospital for testing. My doctor was eager to find out what was causing my miscarriages. My heart sank. How could I possibly do that? I grabbed a small container, and gently removed the tiny remains of my baby and placed them inside. There I stood, holding my tiny, lifeless baby in my hands. At that very moment, looking down at it, life somehow stood still. I momentarily stopped breathing. My kness became weak and I fell to the floor, slumped over in tears. It was the hardest cry I had ever cried. I sobbed, with every ounce of being in my body. I felt broken, alone and ashamed. Ashamed... of not being able to protect the small life that had been growing inside of me. "What kind of mother can I be, if I can't protect a life growing inside of me? A mother is supposed to protect her children and I can't do that for my unborn. How can I do that for my children that are living? What is wrong with me? I am not worthy of being their mother." The questions of doubt flooded my mind. "How can I go on living? I don't deserve to be here! My children are better off without me." I instantly remembered, that I had some pain pills in my bathroom cabinet, from having a miscarriage only a few months before. I grabbed the pills and sat down on the floor of the bathroom. There I sat, my lifeless baby in one hand, and a bottle of pain pills in the other. I had decided to take my own life, and spare my children, of what I thought, was a mother that they were better off without. I had reached it...the lowest and most darkest point of my life. I was throwing stones at myself and punishing myself. I was "on the ground, and in the dirt." The pain was too unbearable, and I had to put a stop to it. I began to sob, while doubting my own existence... The revelation, that I have found in the passage, about the adulteress woman, is that...although, she was full of sin, shame and filth, Jesus "stooped down in the dirt" with her. He got down on her level, in the filth that she lay in, and protected her. Although she felt unworthy, HE spoke up for her, when the world was against her. The Son of God, the Messiah, the Prince of Peace, got down in the dirt with her, where she lay at her... lowest, and most darkest moment. As I sat on the bathroom floor, contemplating my own death, God began to remind me of another. He reminded me of Jesus' death. He reminded me of the pain that HE felt on the cross for me. He reminded me that any shame that I feel within myself, Jesus also felt. He reminded me that any feeling of unworthiness I was feeling, Jesus also felt. He reminded me that the pain that I was feeling, physically and emotionally, Jesus also felt. He reminded me that any doubt that I had, over my own existence, Jesus also felt. And in that small bathroom, where I felt broken, dirty, ashamed and unworthy of even the breath I was breathing, Jesus stooped down and met me on the floor. And with only a love that HE can give, HE comforted me. He reminded me of the life that I needed to live out for my children. He reminded me that no matter how dirty or unworthy I felt, HE could cleanse me with HIS love and ressurrect something new within me. He reminded me that, HE too knew how it felt to lose a child. He reached inside of my body, and held my broken heart in HIS hands, reminding me that it was still beating. I was still alive, and I had a purpose! On that bathroom floor, in the midst of all that pain, HE met me, and covered me with HIS love. He made me see that, I was a mother, and my two, beautiful little girls needed me, just like I needed HIM. He reminded me of the pain that they would feel, if they were to walk in and find me lifeless on the floor. I quickly flushed the pills down the toilet, cleaned myself up and called my husband. That day seemed as though it would go on forever. I thought I would never get over that pain, but God and time, eventually brought me to a better place. A place where I could stand up, dust the dirt off of me, and walk away from it...unstoned! I can now look back on that experience, and see where God has brought me from, and where HE was willing to go for my sake. There is no place too dirty for Jesus to meet you. There is no area in your life that Jesus can't cleanse you from. There is no situation that you deserve to be stoned for. There is nothing too painful, that HE can't heal you from. There is no mistake too horrible, that God can't erase. There is no sin too big for God to forgive. Because of God's perfect grace and his loving mercy, we can find a new life in HIM! Look inside yourself, and find that place that only you and God know about, and allow HIM to "stoop in the dirt" for you. Thank you God, for meeting me at my lowest point, getting in the dirt with me, and lifting me up to your love! Psalm 23 The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures. He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul; He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, For thou art with me; Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine ememies; Thou annointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.

2 comments:

  1. I to know the feeling of having a miscarriage and the feeling of failure that goes along with that. First, let me say that I am blessed with 4 terrific and healthy children and they are truly the joy of my life. However, in between all of them I suffered 3 miscarriages and the loss of another baby after only passing through and touching our lives for 11 short days. I know the feeling of failure but I to turned to God and he pulled me through. If He takes you to it, He will take you through it. I found the strength to carry on after each loss and I am a better mother because of the tests I was given. God is good all the time!! In our everyday life we sometimes forget to thank Him for the blessings we are given daily. Thank you Lord for everything you have given me in my life.

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  2. I HAVE NEVER WENT THRU THAT PERSONALLY BUT I CAN ONLY IMAGINE THE PAIN AND HEART BREAK THAT MOST HAVE CAUSED YOU AND I AM SO THANKFUL THAT GOD HAS SUCH LOVE FOR ALL OF US! I LOVE YOU DEARLY AND FEEL VERY BLESSED THAT HE WAS WITH YOU THAT DAY AND HELPED YOU THRU SUCH A HEART BREAKING ORDEAL! LOVE YA!

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