Saturday, January 1, 2011

Lesson learned.

My last post was nine days ago. Nine. Nine days in Blog years is eternity. I wouldn't have guessed that so much could happen in those nine days. But it did. I have been M-I-A from the W-E-B and had no way to explain my absence. I'm sure you've been wondering where I've been. (cough, cough) it goes. I began my journey nine days ago with an event that would simply cause devastation to my little world. I had just returned from work (a verrrrrry long day) and sat down to my computer. To my surprise my computer was acting crazy and my keyboard wasn't working. If I pressed the "s", it would type three "s"s. If I pressed the "r", it would type an "f". And the backspace...well, it had a mind of it's own. My computer was possessed!! I, of course, called to my two lovely daughters, to ask them who was on Mom's computer. Here's the thing...I have one thing that is mine...ONE THING! Sorry...didn't mean to shout. Ehhem. That one small thing is my computer. I've asked, pleaded, and almost handed them a kidney if they would please not touch Mom's computer. At least not without asking me first. That's it...just ask. Just ASK!! This apparently confuses my two lovely daughters because they just can't seem to get a handle on it. I share my entire life with my time, my love, my closet, my makeup, my bathroom, my space, my....well, you get the picture. All I asked, is if they NOT touch my computer!! they walk. Amber admits getting on of course. (shocker...NOT!) Then my sweet little Kaitlyn.....sigh......remember the post that I wrote that said how much of a giver she is to others...always doing for someone out of the kindness of her precious little heart. daughter decided to do me a favor and clean the keyboard of my laptop because a couple of my keys were sticking. She wanted to surprise me, my sweet girl, and help me out so she cleaned the entire keyboard with alcohol and a q-tip! Do I need to go on? Honestly. How do you respond to that? I thanked her from the bottom of my heart and told her that I appreciated her giving heart to do such a nice thing for me. Then... The bottom fell out!! The reality of no laptop hit me square in the kisser!! I became hysterical. I cried. I screamed. I think I blacked out. And...there may or may not have been the need for a brown paper bag, used as a breathing apparatus, somewhere in the middle of my breakdown. I couldn't get into my laptop. I was crushed. I was devastated. Then... It got worse. I began to remember what I had on my laptop that I could not get to. My family pictures. My daughter's songs and the rough cut of her cd. And....the book. Yes...the book!! My book. My life on paper. Okay, so I'm only about 1/4 of the way through it...but it took a lot of work, a lot of tears, alot of walls breaking down and a lot of me. I cried somemore. I wanted to stick my head in a hole until it filled up with my tears. dawned on me. Everything "Santa" was bringing for Christmas needed the computer to function. Two new ipod touches for the girls and my kindle. My kindle. The one small itsy bitsy thing I had asked for Christmas. Oi Vay.... I eventually dried my eyes and calmed down. I had to walk away from my office and not even look towards the room. The girls knew what they were getting, so the depression slowly began to seep into them as well. I felt hopeless...all my hard work for the book and for Christmas was just destroyed. I think I cried some more....shocking, I know. It was Christmas Eve and it was time to wrap the presents that good ole' Santa was bringing for the family. We have a tradition in our home to stay up late on Christmas Eve and wrap the Santa gifts. We make a pot of hot coffee and my husband usually makes Amber a frozen coffee. This year was Kaitlyn's first year to stay up with us since she is now aware of who Santa really is. I sat on the floor of my bedroom with my two girls giggling and wrapping presents. Amber was trying her best to wrap a present without it looking like it fell out of the trash dump and Kaitlyn was neatly folding her edges, perfectly taping them down without flaw. They laughed at one another and their differences, as I sat in amazement. I remember just a few years ago it was just Frankie and I up late wrapping Santa gifts. was me and my girls. Amber will be leaving home in the next six months to pursue the path that God has for her. Kaitlyn is growing into a beautiful young lady and is counting the days until she is the only girl in the house with us. LOL In the midst of all the laughter and tears from laughing so hard...I never once thought about my computer or the gifts that go along with it. I just lived in the moment. That one moment. I learned a valuable lesson. I had worked so hard to make Christmas "perfect" with the best gifts...and in the hustle and bustle of it all...I somehow forgot the true meaning of it. Oh, how ashamed I felt. Christmas is about Jesus, and how His life and presence in our lives gives us blessings galore all year long. It's not about the's about His gift. Christmas is family. It's making memories and tucking them away in your heart so you will have them there for years to come, without any worry of having them accidentally deleted or lost in a harddrive somewhere. They are real, they are touchable, they are unforgettable and they are priceless. Priceless. My wise daughter told the midst of my crazy fit the day before, "Mom, we don't care about our gifts. That's not what Christmas is about. We are all together and that's what matters." That's what matters. Amen. Christmas was amazing. I think the best ever. We made alot of new memories. We are truly blessed. God has been so very good to us. I returned to work the following Monday. We had spent the two previous days with Frankie's family enjoying the holiday and eating insane amounts of food. Gotta love it!! Work was busy for the next couple of days. Tuesday morning came and I felt very drained. I thought it funny since I had just gotten off of a nice three day weekend. I figured it must have been the extra weight I was carrying for gaining about thirty pounds or so during the weekend. I began to feel a little nauseous. Something wasn't right. I went home that afternoon and collapsed in my bed. I felt like my body was beginning to turn against me. I hurt everywhere. And when I say everywhere...I mean...ev-e-ry-where! The vomiting began like a twister...without much warning. I had chills, fever, and the worst body aches ever. EVER!! I laid in my bed with tears streaming down my face explaining to my husband, in the most desperate way...that I think I am dieing. "This is it", I told him. He laughed as he covered me with about 100 blankets. I began talking to God. "Ok...remember a year and a half ago, when I complained because I died for those 8 minutes and You didn't let me see Your face. Remember that? You were right...I wasn't ready and I aint ready now! I was joking. HA HA Kidding. I'm a kidder...just kidding. I love You, but I'm not ready to see You...not like this!!" I think the fever had caused me to become delirious. Two hours later...after my stomach flu husband came in the room and told me that Amber had started vomiting too. Oh my goodness. Normally when a situation like this happens...when I am sick, then one of my kids become sick...I am miraculously healed and my adrenaline kicks in and I jump up to take care of my little ones. Nope! Not this time. I couldn't move. And if I was straight to the bathroom to hug my new bestie... the toilet. We both spent the night in the bathroom, with chills, fever and those horrid body aches. This would be the beginning of a four day virus. Not good. Not. At. All. I must say...that even in the midst of the stomach flu...God can teach us a lesson. I've been struggling with control lately. (That is...along with my patience issue...i'm a work in progress. A big work.) Circumstances in our home at the moment, have caused me to slip on my "God costume" and try and save the world. My world that is. I struggle with letting go and letting God. I do good for a while and then I pull back on the reigns that belong to God... and Him alone. Then...I fall on my face in humiliation, when I have failed yet another mission, that I have named myself captain of. I run around like a chicken with my head cut off, getting all disconbobulated...when all I need to do is... stop. Just stop. So...there I laid in my bed, helpless and out of all control. Right where God wanted me. No...I'm sure He didn't enjoy seeing me suffer in agony of what I thought was my death, but I was still. Still. All I could do was just let go of me and let God. Let Him deal with everything around me... and me. I'm beginning to realize a pattern here. Everytime I begin on the path of "self righteousness" and the "I can do all things through Me" road...God literally places me flat on my back...helpless. Out of control. Only being able to reach up for Him. Gently whispering..."Slow it down. Rest in me. I've got this and I've got you." He does what He must do to remind me where my place is....and His. Coincidence...or lesson learned? To break it down gently...I need Him to save me from myself!! I need Him to remind me that I can do nothing without Him. Nothing. I need Him to remind me that He is the Captain of this mission I call "my life" and I am just honored to be in the seat next to Him. Thank you God for my lessons learned. Your Grace is unending! You love me so much. I'm sorry for being so stubborn. I am forever your humble servant. Psalm 31:3 Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name, lead and guide me. Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth. Hebrews 12:2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. I close with this song... David Crowder Band--How He Loves Us (ME)

1 comment:

  1. YaY! You're back! I missed you so! I'm slightly disappointed that you didn't explain how you got back. Did you get a new laptop?


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