Friday, June 5, 2015

I remind myself.

God promised to redeem all things. 
 He never said they'd make sense.
That's why He gives peace that surpasses our understanding. 
While there's a lot I will never understand, I can be anchored by peace even in the tumultuous seas of ambiguity.  God shines brightest in contradictions.  There is wholeness in brokenness.  Sufficiency in weakness.  Strength in surrender.  Honor in humility.  He is right there with me in those painful, dark, confusing contradictions.  Ever calling me to trust and to let go of my need to understand. 
 ~~Alece Ronzino
There are no words to describe how I felt when I first held Isaac in my arms.  I walked into the small post-partum room and there he lay all bundled up and cozy in his bassinet.  As soon as I saw him, I had to fight the urge to run over and snatch him up as quickly as I could. But, I waited. Everyone greeted and chatted about him and my heart stood beating loudly in my chest.  Then, I heard the words I had been waiting to hear for 5 months, "Well go ahead, pick him up, Momma.  Pick up your baby boy."
I did...and my heart oozed out slowly in a moment that seemed to move in slow motion.
I have been chasing my heart ever since, trying to get it out of this boy's hands.
I can still remember each time I held one of my babies. That first meeting, that first smell, that first feel of baby perfect squishiness.  Man, that is the best. Truly heavenly.
But, there is something different about holding a baby given to you by God. Yes, all of my children were given to me, but this, this is not the same.Words can't do it justice. 
There is something about God handing you someone else's baby.
There is something about a young mother handing you her hopes and dreams wrapped in a tiny blanket.
There's a trust there. A genuine soul to soul trust.  A life or death trust.
We've learned so much about trusting over the course of the past 2 years or more.
We had to trust that our ears heard God correctly when He spoke into our lives about adoption.
We had to trust that our hearts were lining up with God's as He told us we were going to adopt Isaac even before talking with his mother.
We had to trust each other that we could take on such a big task and raise this little guy.
We had to trust when family and close friends scrutinized us, doubted, and laughed at the thought of us adopting a baby at our age, much less a black baby.
We had to trust God as we brought him home with us.
We had to trust God as we watched his health dwindle.
We had to trust God as we received negative report after negative report.
We had to trust doctors who we prayed were sent to us by God.
We had to trust that God would save Isaac and keep him in His loving arms throughout such a hard journey.
We had to trust when finances were hard because of all the work that my husband missed with all of the hospital stays and ER visits.
We had to trust that God would be our strength, emotionally and physically.
We had to trust God as our sweet boy was handed to cardiac surgeons to perform a life saving operation on his 9 1/2 month old body.
We had to trust, and trust, and trust.
trust- firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something, assurance, certainty
Let me just say, that just because we are Christians, does not mean that trusting comes easy. 
Trusting means you have to let go of control. You have to let go of your own understanding.
Oooof! That's a doozy.  That takes some doing.
 Knowing comes easy.  Knowing that God is who He says He is comes easy. 
Knowing that His Word binds up all the lies that we hear comes easy. 
Knowing that His truth binds up all the doubt that our minds experience comes easy.
Knowing is the easy part.
Trust...well, that takes work.
There were times that we were broken in the midst of it all. Really, really broken.
Times where I knew God was near, but didn't always feel Him there.
Therefore, I had to trust, knowing that His Word says He never forsakes us, even though I felt forsaken.
I had to work at it, day in and day out.
All of the things mentioned above, are now things of the past. Those things have been conquered. He redeemed every one. Each and every one. God did what He said He would do. God proved to be who He says He is. His Word stood firm in our lives, over and over again.
He proved Himself reliable and faithful and full of strength time after time.
He is trustworthy.
As we find ourselves in another hard season, I have to remind myself of things.
Things that I know to be true.
I remind myself where God has brought us from.  I remind myself that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt who my God is. I remind myself that even though I have Him, it is He who truly has me. He has me in His arms. He holds me up. I remind myself that He is my everything.
I remind myself...
He is a good God. He is an amazing Father.  He is a provider.  He is a healer.
He is exactly who He says He is.
Isaiah 48:12-13
Listen to me, Jacob, Israel, whom I have called: I am he; I am the first and the last.  My own hand laid the foundations of the earth, and my right hand spread out the heavens; when I summon them, they all stand up together.
We have experienced two of the best years of our lives, since Isaac has come into our hearts.  But, it has also been the hardest two years. It has been tough, y'all.  And as of a few days ago, I hadn't given myself permission to say that with confidence. It's been hard.  And as I mentioned above, it has been hard to trust at times.  I now know that it's okay to admit that.  It's okay to say that things were tough. Because, admitting that it is hard, reminds me how much I need Him.  It reminds me that I can't bare go a day without Him. Maybe, I was afraid to admit that things have been hard because I thought that it meant I failed, that we failed.
(To throw in a little disclaimer: Our faith has not waivered because of it.  Our faith has been tested. There's a difference, folks.)
No mountain, no valley, no gain or loss we know could keep us from Your love.
No sickness, no secret, no chain is strong enough to keep us from Your love.
 How high? How wide?
No matter where I am, healing is in Your hands
~~Christy Nockels
I thought we were done with the hard stuff. 
 Isaac had his cardiac surgery.  He was healed.
 No more ER visits.  No more hospital stays. No more worrying that he would stop breathing or choke to death. We were all sleeping again.  We were hopeful. 
We received the diagnosis of SPD and PTS a few weeks after surgery.  My first reaction was, "We can do this. We have God."  They suggested that we get counseling, that we join a support group for families with special needs kids. They said, "It's a lonely diagnosis. Not everyone can handle it. You're going to need a lot of supportive and accepting people around you."  My reaction, "We can do this.  We have God."
The thing is, just because we have God, doesn't mean everything is easy.
Having God does mean that we are never, ever alone when it is hard.
It means that when the world around us is chaotic, there's a peace that rushes into our lives that doesn't make sense to a person without God.
It means that we have His strength when the going gets tough.
It means that there is a warrior size faith that rises up within us in the midst of a life battle.
It means that God is never finished. It means He will complete the work in us.
Because, in the midst of a battle, in the midst of the hard stuff that we are facing, trusting God doesn't give me peace, knowing God gives me peace.
And knowing Him, knowing how good He is and how faithful He has shown Himself to be, makes me trust Him. 
With knowing comes trust.
I can trust Him.  I can trust Him.
And when I begin to fear when I get overwhelmed with the hard stuff again, and start struggling with trust again...I remind myself that I know who God is, and I start trusting again.
I know who He is.
I know Him.
We are currently looking for a support group for families with special needs kids. 
We are starting counseling in a week or two. 
We are hopeful.
We have God with us. He has us close to Him.

He is for us, not against us.

We hold onto His promises.

We enjoy this sweet boy of ours. We hold him close to us and we giggle as we watch him grow and flourish before our eyes.
And on the hard days, which do come,
I hear His voice ever calling me to trust and to let go of my need to understand. 
On the hard days, I remind myself who He is, and especially, who He has been to me.

I remind myself that His plans for us are good.
I remind myself that He is so very worthy of my trust.
I remind myself that I am His.
I remind myself.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

1 comment:

  1. I love this. Thanks for sharing your heart, my friend. I'm right there with you. :)


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