Giving me wings at 37,000 feet.

 

“Belief is the antidote for a troubled heart: believing in God, believing that He is with us, believing that He is good, believing that He can take care of our trouble, believing in His presence with us every minute, and not looking to the limitations of our circumstances!”
~~Sally Clarkson, Dancing With My Father

 

This past weekend I experienced another first in my life.

 

I flew for the first time ever.

  Ever!

  

A month or so ago, I walked into a challenging place and shared a part of my testimony in front of hundreds of women.

 

That, I thought,
would possibly be the biggest fear I would face this year...

I was wrong.

 

I've always made a joke about me flying, especially with God.

 

He spoke into my heart a few years back that He was going to send me to Kenya.

 

I bounced back with a funny, "Oh, I can't wait to see how You pull this one off, since I'm NEVER flying. Ever!"

 

Oh, how His humor captures me.

 

We received the blessing of getting to fly for a weekend getaway,

 all paid for, by my husband's new job.

Absolutely free!

 

Can I get an "Amen!" on that?

 

So, it was time for me to kick yet another fear in its face and fly.

 

I actually became very excited as the day of our trip approached.

 

I was doing fine, really I was.

 

Until... 

the plane began to move down the runway.

 

Then... 

the "freaking of the out" commenced!

 

I thought that I would either pee my pants,

 throw up,

 start to cry,

my heart beat out my chest...or just pass out cold right there in my seat.

 

I just knew that some unwanted bodily function was about to happen!

I can not lie.
 I. was. scared!

 

 

As I held my husband's hand and squeezed my eyelids closed as tight as I could...I began to quote just a portion of a scripture that has helped me time and time again;

 

"You have NOT given me a spirit of fear. You have not. You have not. You have not."

 

 

And that...was my prayer as the plane took off and throughout the next couple of minutes following.

 

It's the only words I could squeeze out during that time of being so scared.

 

I assumed the first part of the scripture was enough to let Him know how much I needed Him in those few short moments, and the ending was just to convince myself of what He had already done.

 

It apparently worked,

 because the remainder of the flight and the other five flights throughout the weekend were absolutely amazing.

 

Simply AMAZING!!

 

I had the opportunity of getting the window seat during 5 out of the 6 flights we took.

 

I couldn't get enough of it.

 

It was awesome and surreal to be able to see God's artwork from my new view.

Oh, the wonders He has made!!

 

I also sat on top of or right behind the wing for every flight.

Every flight.

The odds of that were just crazy.

6 flights in 2 days.

5 window seats and 6 wing seats.

 

Really?

Yeh...that's crazy.

 

Each time I looked at my ticket before boarding the planes, I thought to myself,

 

"There's no way I'll get another window seat or a wing seat. There's just no way."

 

But I did!

 

I was so thankful for that!

Something about seeing that wing made me feel content.

I wasn't sure what it was, but I just felt peaceful looking out and seeing the wing.

I had no fear at all.
None.
I felt peace.
I felt God right there with me.
 

 

As I looked out the window,
 and onto the blanket of clouds draped beneath us,

the sun peeking out, bouncing off of the wing of the plane,

I couldn't help but tear up in awe of God's beauty in front of my eyes.

It was so breathtaking and majestic!

It made me realize just how small I am in this huge world,
yet still so very important to God.

 

As I sat gazing out, this scripture came to me;

 

 

Isaiah 40:31

But they that wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

 

 He whispered softly into my spirit,
"I'm right here. I'm carrying you just like the wings carry and guide this plane. I am here."

I cried as the words soaked into my heart.
 

God showed me right there in that window seat,
 on top of the wing of that plane,
at 37,000 feet in the air,

that He was carrying me.

He reminded me that I am His.

 That I am never alone or without Him. Never.

That no matter where I am, or what I am doing He is carrying me.

That even at 37,000 feet in the air, He gives me wings!

 

That His LOVE is what gives me wings.

That He is my strength!

 

I've been praying about something over the past few weeks,

trying not to get caught up in the web of worry or to lose my hope in Him,

believing in God for my strength and His will for my life,

no matter what that may bring.

“We can make a commitment to take every situation, every feeling, every fear to God as it happens. We simply have to practice walking each step with Him and allow His presence to bring us the joy that comes from resting in the arms of our capable dance partner through each measure of life’s song.”
 ~~Sally Clarkson, Dancing With My Father

 

Each flight,

and each time I would sit in my seat

and see that wing right outside my window,

He would remind me again and again of His love for me,

 and that scripture would be whispered into my heart.

 

Why every time?

Why so many times?

 

I thought about that too.

 

Then I realized how much God knows me,

and how I need to be told things over and over and over sometimes...

okay, most of the time,

until it sinks into my every fiber.

 

Until I breathe it in and exhale it out.

He wants me to believe in Him with everything that I am!
He wants me to know Him and trust Him no matter what my circumstance.

He is good and He loves me so much!

 

He is my strength!

 

And when I grow weak, He is the renewal of that strength.

And as I believe in Him, and wait on Him...

I will mount up with wings as eagles and be confident and strong in my flight.

 

I shall not grow weary.

 

I will not faint!

 

faint-lacking strength or vigor, lacking conviction, boldness or courage, lacking brightness, to weaken in purpose or spirit.

 

I will not lack courage

or strength

or vigor

 or weaken in purpose

or spirit

or lack brightness.

 

I will not faint!

 

Thank you Lord, for giving me wings at 37,000 feet.
 

 



Captivated

James 4:8

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

I sometimes wish I were like the Psalmist David,

 spewing out words of desperate, yet beautiful, poignant poetry to God.

But...

I definitely think I miss the mark on that comparison.

As I lay in bed weaping a blubbery wet mess on my pillow out to God...

I hardly think He sees any likeness to His servant David.

Or does He?

I read this quote in the prelude to the book of Psalms in my bible the other day...

Prayer is elemental, not advanced, language.  It is the means by which our language becomes honest, true, and personal in response to God.  It is the means by which we get everything in our lives out in the open before God.

I definitely got it all out in the open for God the other night as my tears soaked my pillow.

It wasn't pretty or poignant or poetic.

It got honest, true and very personal.

My prayer was out of complete desperation.

It was elemental.

I cried an ugly cry before Him.

I'm pretty sure He wasn't surprised.

I even think, that He was just waiting for me to get it all out.

Waiting for me to speak the words He knew I was already feeling,
 and somehow attempting to hide from Him.

The God of truth,
wanted me to be honest with Him.

He needed me to communicate with Him.

He desired my openness.

I tried to ignore the issue, and hide from it,

but it was there...

looking me in the face every day.

When I do that, I tend to ignore Him and stop talking to Him.

This just adds to the issue and I sink further back.

I think that it's "no big deal" and I just need to keep it all in.

But, the things that matter to me, or that hurt me, or that worry me...
also matter to Him.

I matter to Him.

When I keep it all to myself, I keep myself from Him.

The truth is...

life is hard.

it hurts at times.
sometimes its really stinky and unfair.

change is difficult and crazy.

waiting for results is excrutiating.

fear creeps in like an unwanted guest.

worry hovers like a dark cloud.

it makes me shrink back into a quiet desolate place.

When I don't talk to Him and get it all out,
my soul begins to feel dry like the desert I'm in.

So I did.

I released it all.

The ugliness of my frustration and every wet tear that could possibly fall.

Psalm 56:8 
You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.

Then I let it go.

It became no longer my issue, but His.

He gained control.

And that...

is beautiful poetry to God.

That is music to His ears.

Psalm 57:1
O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.

As I lay in my bed,

 after all the tears had fallen,
 and all of my frustration and worry had flowed out like a broken faucet,

I could see Him for what He was.

I took my eyes off of my problem,

and placed it on my Deliverer.

As I cried for help, I entered His presence.

He bent down to listen to my whimper.
He covered me with His peace.

His love enveloped me.

He rescued me.

And in that quiet personal moment of release...
He captivated me.

Psalm 18:1-6

I love you, God-

you make me strong.

God is bedrock under my feet,

my rescuing knight.

My God-the high crag

where I run for dear life,

hiding behind the boulders,

safe in the granite hideout.

I sing to God, the Praise- Lofty,

and find myself safe and saved.

A hostile world!

I call to God, I cry to God to help me.

From His palace he hears my call;

my cry brings me right into his presence-a private audience!

Do it afraid.

Psalm 135:1-7

Praise the LORD.
Praise the name of the LORD;
praise him, you servants of the LORD,
you who minister in the house of the LORD,
  in the courts of the house of our God.
  Praise the LORD, for the LORD is good;
sing praise to his name, for that is pleasant.
For the LORD has chosen Jacob to be his own,
Israel to be his treasured possession.
 I know that the LORD is great,
that our Lord is greater than all gods.
The LORD does whatever pleases him,
in the heavens and on the earth,
  in the seas and all their depths.
He makes clouds rise from the ends of the earth;
he sends lightning with the rain
and brings out the wind from his storehouses.

I've been pregnant for over a year.

Now before you go gasping and freaking out on me, let me explain.

I'm not with child in the physical sense, but in the spiritual sense.

The thing is, like the television series...

I didn't know I was pregnant!!

I've been having a reocurring dream over the past year that I was pregnant.

In my dream, this baby was big...huge!

I gained 70 pounds for my first child.
 I was far from a tiny cute pregnant woman with a volleyball sized belly.

I was much more like Shamoo the whale...but more bloated.

In my dreams of being pregnant...I was even bigger than that!!

I remember about six months ago, when our lives were changing all around us, I received a call from my sister.

She told me that she had a dream that I was pregnant.
She explained how in the dream I was covering my belly with a blanket.

I giggled and asked if I was embarassed and maybe trying to hide the pregnancy.

She began to explain that God had revealed to her what the blanket was about.

It was His covering.
As long as I covered my pregnancy under that blanket, then it was safe from harm.

She told me in urgency...
"Don't come out from underneath Him.  Stay as close to Him as you can.  You are going to birth something huge and He will keep you protected as long as you stay underneath His covering."

She had no idea at the time, that I had been dreaming that I was pregnant.

I told her what I had been dreaming about, and we both cried and praised God together for His revelation.

I must admit,
 I was a little afraid at the time...
not knowing just what I would be giving birth to.

What was all of this about?

I continued to dream.

I continued to be pregnant in those dreams.

Then, a few weeks ago, the labor pains began.

I wrote my testimony on my blog.

It was something God had been placing on my heart to do for a while.
I struggled with it.
It was painful and hard, but I knew it was time to write it during this season of my life.
He showed me very loudly that I needed to share it.

God has done great things since I wrote that blog.
He has begun to plant an urgency in my heart to share it over and over again.


One week after I wrote it,
I began to dream that I was holding a baby in my arms.
I've dreamed it several times over the past few weeks.
I've never seen the baby's face, because the baby has always been wrapped tightly in a blanket.

Fear returned.
I began to question God.


What's going on?
 What's happening? 
 I'm not sure I'm ready for what is about to happen Lord.
What if I mess up because I don't know what I'm doing?
Are you sure?


I attended our annual Joie de Vivre women's conference at our church this past weekend.
I prayed during the worship service before the speaker began.
I knew what God was placing on my heart, and I asked Him to reveal Himself to me during the message.

I pleaded with Him...
"Speak to my heart Lord.  Remove all doubt from my mind and give me a revelation that this is from You. Speak to me audibly if You have to."


We had the privilige of hearing Charlotte Gambill preach a powerful message.

Her message was about the six women who were involved with the early life of Moses.

The message was titled, "Push".

She explained how these six women, the midwives, the mothers, the sister, the delivererers to the deliverer...

were gathered together in time to birth something God had placed within Moses' mother.

He had a plan to deliver His people,
and all six of them played a part in that delivery.

She explained the difficulty and fear of birth,
and the encouragement those women brought to bring forth the plan of God.


Needless to say,
I was a complete mess!!

It's a good thing that I sat in the very last row of the auditorium,
because I may have been removed from the room otherwise.

My heart was heavy and full and excited and fearful all at the same time.
I was reminded of the women God had placed in my life just a few short months before, that had encouraged me just a few days before the conference to share my story.

We had gathered for lunch one day.
I told them that some friends of ours had invited me and my family to share my story at their church.
I expressed my fear and reservation to them.
They rallied around me with their love and encouragement, pushing me to move forward into the next season God had prepared for me.

One of them spoke sweetly to me, but with urgency,

"Just do it.  Do it scared and each time will be easier."


As I sat in that back row, eyes flowing with tears, doubtful fear reentered my mind.

I cried to the Lord quietly in my seat,
"I know this is what You want.  I know this is You speaking to me. It's been You all along.  These dreams were You...all You.  But, I'm afraid God.  How do I do this if I am afraid?"


The next words she spoke would awaken my spirit...

"Do it afraid.  Things don't work according to our limitations, but His ability."



John 10:27
My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow me.



Pregnancy can be uncomfortable, and even scarey sometimes.
The delivery can be filled with some very painful moments.
But the delivery always brings forth LIFE.
And most of the time, that LIFE comes out screaming and crying,
but it's still LIFE!
God breathed LIFE.
And after all of the crying is done, and you hold that life in your arms...
the sweet aroma of that birth tickles your nose,
and He has you right where He wants you.

You are in His love embrace!

Then you realize it was all worth it...each pain, each tear that fell, all the fear, each agonizing push!

Because you are left,
holding LIFE in your hands!

Pure sweet life!

He is that life!!

And for that reason...

I will do it afraid.

Phillippians 4:13
I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.


I sat nestled in my recliner early this morning with a warm cup of coffee in hand.

I smiled as I relived the past few days and the words God had spoken into my life.

Oh the sweetness He brings to me in His covering!

I opened my laptop and read a blog I read a few times a week.

He used her words to speak life to me once again...

So I’m asking and trusting Him for the courage to do it afraid, to seek the healing in the heartache, to show me parts of myself I’ve lost, and to reveal parts of Himself I’ve never seen.

~~Alece Ronzino

What is God urging you to do today?

I encourage you...to do it afraid.

Allow God to bring forth His life in you!!

My story: Fear Not

Love is what we are born with.  Fear is what we learned here.

~~Author unknown.

We were watching television the other day when a preview of a scarey movie flashed on the screen.
My little guy rushed over to me, buried his face into my chest and said,
"I'm scared Mom, tell me when the scarey part is over."

I placed my hand on his head and rubbed my fingers through his hair.
"It's okay, it's just makeup and stuff.  It's not real."

With his face buried firmly into my chest and his little trembling body curled closely next to mine, he muffled,
"I don't care. I'm scared. I'm just gonna stay here with you where it's safe, until it's all over."




Psalm 56:9-11
When I cry unto thee, then shall mine enemies turn back: this I know; for God is for me. In God will I praise his word: in the LORD will I praise his word. In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me.

I don't remember the first time that I felt fear.
I just remember it was always with me, like an unwanted friend who wouldn't leave.
Without a moments notice, it would appear pulling me down a dark road that I did not want to go.
My thoughts would wander, and the fear would consume me.
As a small child, I would lay in bed at night, my body sweating profusely underneath the covers.
Fear weighed heavily on my chest.
Images of dark shadows would engulf my mind.
I could feel it's presence as it creeped and circled.
I had wished it was only something that a young child normally felt, but it followed me into my teenage years, like a thick dark cloud.
It was all around me,
an unexplainable darkness.
I feared anything and everything.
I feared people.
I even feared being afraid.


By the time I reached my Sophomore year of highschool, there were just two of us left at home with our Mom.
Everyone else had left to pursue their lives and create families of their own.
They didn't visit much, and I can't say that I blame them for that.

My sister and I began to carry a very heavy load.
The outpouring signs of my mother's depression and bi-polarism hit a record high.
It was very evident to me by now, that she was not well.

She was sick. Real sick.
Things were bad. Real bad.

She was manic most of the time, and we never knew when or what would set her off.
Our lives were surrounded with the sound of crackling egg shells, as we walked within the war zone that was our every day life.
Never knowing what she would do, or what she was capable of,
my fear continued to grow.

My mother would read me scriptures about fear, and pray with me.
She told me how God would help me be strong and courageous.
She told me that above all else, I could depend on Him.
 Then moments later, one of her "episodes" would come up out of nowhere.
The anger and sound of her voice would send fearful chills down my spine, rattling me to my bones.
She helped me and hurt me all in the same breath.

I heard things no child should hear.
I witnessed things no child should see.
I endured things no child should endure.
I did things no child should ever do.

Fear continued to grow it's monstrous head all around me.

2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.


Fear invited it's friend confusion along to play with my thoughts.
I felt surrounded with no way out, as they pulled and tugged at me.
They snickered and hissed at me as they toyed with my mind.
They told me I was weak, that I was stuck, and that my future was dim.

I began to realize, that fear and confusion had been my mother's unwanted friends as well.

They had set up camp at our door step.
They welcomed themselves without invitation and they weren't leaving.
They brought havoc and destruction.


One minute all was good...

I watched as my mother spoke to a countless number of people, sharing God's love with them.
I watched as she witnessed to others, and said the sinners' prayer with them, watching as they entered as new beings into the family of God.
I listened as she spoke of what God had done in her life and within her family, healing the brokenness between her and her father.
I watched as she offered grace and forgiveness to those who hurt her.
I watched in awe as she spoke wisdom and healing into their lives.
I watched as her face lit up at the mention of His name.
I watched her glow as she shared His good news with others.
I listened as she praised Him with her whole heart.
I honored her.
I loved her.
I felt safe with her.


And then the next minute...

I watched as she lay crying out to God in her bed, begging Him to take her home and away from her miserable existance.
I watched as her face would change from mood, to mood, to terrible mood.
I watched as she held a knife to her chest, screaming out that she was going to end it all.
Ending a lifetime of pain.
I paniced as I hid her medications from her fearing that she would take her own life.
I watched as she wrestled the demons in her mind.
I felt as her pain became my pain.
I felt as her fingernails pierced blood from my arms as she grabbed me demanding that I listen to her and honor her.
I felt as the sting of her hand hit my face, and the tug of her hand pulled out my hair, because of what she felt was my dishonor towards her.
I listened to her, as the demons lashed at me, tearing at my heart.
I felt the warmth of the tears as they streamed down my face as I begged for her forgiveness.
I felt as my body trembled in fear and poured with sweat.
I honored her.
I loved her.
I feared her.


I wondered, how long fear and confusion had befriended her.
I wondered how long they had kept her bound.
I wondered how long had they hissed in her ear telling her that her future was dim.
I wonder now,
 if they had haunted my family generation, after generation, after generation.

I needed to break free from their clinches.
It was time for the cycle to be broken.
It was time to tell them to leave.
To tell them they were no longer welcome.

Isaiah 41:13
For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.


I know many people who have horror stories attached to their years of highschool.
Just the thought of it brings hard memories and ill feelings.
Highschool was a place of torture and pain in many ways for them.
My heart feels sorrow for them, but at the same time,
I can't relate to that.
The memories I have bring me to a warm place within my heart.
Highschool was a safe place for me.
It was where I could escape the crackling sounds of the eggshells.
It was seven hours in the day that I could be free from the fear and controlling ways of my mother.
I came out from under the thick dark cloud that loomed.
Where I could speak freely and think clearly.
Where I could laugh contently.
Where I could share my emotions.
Where I was heard.
Where I could walk in peace.
Where I felt joy.

As soon as the bus would arrive at my driveway at the end of the school day, and the doors would swing open, my heart would become restless and fear would begin to beat through my heart.

Never knowing what awaited me beyond the threshhold of my house.
Home was torture for me.
Home was not the place I wanted to be.
Home was where fear breathed like fire, burning it's mark on me.
Home was where confusion taunted me.
It was where pain lived and thrived.
Home was where she was.

I had been taught that home was where you were supposed to feel sheltered and protected.
A place to feel safe, and to grow.
My house was far from that.
I needed to find my home.





Isaiah 43:5
Fear not, for I am with you.


In my quiet moments,
when my mother was settled,
 or passed out from the mood altering medications,
 I would find a glimpse of Home.
I would sneak off to my room and close my door,
shutting off from the madness that lurked on the other side.
I would find it within Him.
Within reading the life breathing Words He spoke and the pages that filled my soul.
It was in writing, and allowing my feelings to pour onto the pages from my pen.
It was in my prayers to Him.
It was where I could be me.
Where I could find strength.

It was in His presence that I felt safe.
I knew that He was Home for me.
I knew that He was with me.
He was my safe place in the midst of the fear and confusion.
He was the strength during my weakness.
I know now that the strength I needed from Him,
was to endure the fear that she was handing out to me.
The same fear that grew wildly throughout my life.
He was my peace amongst the pain.
The true Friend I needed and wanted.

He spoke life into me with the Words that I read.
I knew that He held the world in the hollow of His palm.
 He could surely hold me.
He could surely take my fear.
He could surely save me.
It was there within His presence,
 that I would bury my face firmly into His chest, curl my trembling soul next to Him, close my eyes and feel safe.  Knowing that one day, the scarey parts would all be over.

Please Lord, just tell me when it's all over.

It was there that I prayed for Him to take away my fear.
It was there that I began to trust Him.
It was there, that I continued to cling to Him,
 knowing that He would hold my hand and lead me to a safe place.

It was there, that He did.

Psalm 27: 3-5

Though an army encamp against me,
my heart shall not fear,
though war rise up against me,
yet I will be confident.

One thing that I have asked of the Lord.
that I will seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord,
and to meditate in His temple.

For He will hide me in his shelter
in the day of trouble;
He will conceal me under the cover of His tent;
He will lift me high upon a rock.