I'm disappointed, but...

 

 

 

 

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss and have found their way out of the depths.  These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

~~Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

 

 

Psalm 94:18-19

When I said, "My foot is slipping," your unfailing love, LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.

I'm disappointed.

 

Disappointed that we are in a familiar place again. Disappointed at what this place brings to our lives. Nobody likes it. We just go along doing our best to survive it.

 

Isaac's body is experiencing referred reaction to months and months of chronic reflux. He has scar tissue that has built up in his body from all of the acid from his tummy before and after his artery repair surgery. Over time, this scar tissue has grown and is now causing chronic rhinitis and obstructive sleep apnea. He has begun to sleep with his neck tilted far back, in order to compensate for the lack of air he is breathing in through his nose and mouth. He slept like that for the first year of his life when he first experienced obstructive sleep apnea. There are a few other domino effects that it's causing throughout his body that we are keeping a watch on.   He will undergo a ct scan within the next few weeks and another surgery or two, to cut away the scar tissue so that he can breathe easier at night. The ct scan will also revisit an area of abnormality that was found on his brain when he was just a few months old.

 

It's been over 3 weeks now, that we're going about our day on about 4-5 hours of sleep a night. All of us.  It's beginning to take a toll on the household. We do our best to keep things as normal as possible around here, but some days, it's just not doable. I think we all want to scream at times, because we can't believe that we are revisiting a season that we prayed so hard to get out of. One that we lived in for over a year.

 

Medicine regimens have changed and increased and now we give Isaac 9 different medicines during a 24 hour period. A few of them we give 4 times a day. For a busy toddler, who doesn't know that he is sick or not sick, mainly because this is all he's ever known, this just doesn't fit into his schedule. He'd much rather be playing with blocks or dirt, instead of being held down for another breathing treatment.

 

 

We celebrated his birthday this past weekend with family and friends. It was a day that reminded us to take in all of the joy and put the hard stuff on the shelf for the day. The hard stuff? We've seen our share over the past 2 years. On most days, I can honestly say that I get into a groove of "we got this". We've survived worse than this, right? This should seem easy to pros like us.  But, when I am finally in the quiet of my van on the way to the post office or to the local supermarket, my tears say otherwise. Frankly, I'm tired. Physically and emotionally tired. 

 

Don't get me wrong, I adore this boy with every fiber within me. I can handle the medicine schedule and the sleepless nights. If I push myself hard enough, I can even wear a smile on my face that no one would even think to guess was fake. But, watching your child suffer and continue to struggle with physical illness, gets old. It doesn't get any easier. My heart breaks because of it. It drains me to empty on most days.

 

 

People aren't always easy to deal with either, whether it be the nurses or physicians, or people in the waiting room with us.  Isaac has severe anxiety disorder in doctor's offices. He begins to feel it as soon as the door opens and he takes in every medical device on the wall, or even the familiar fish tank that seems to be in all of the waiting rooms.  He whines and moans until they call his name, in which he then begins to cry and cling to me. The clinging soon turns into fight or flight whaling and thrashing as he sees the examining table in the room we are assigned to. People just don't get it. They don't know his history unless they spend hours reading his medical folder. They just see a screaming toddler or a very loud obnoxious- misbehaving- thrashing toddler. And really...I get tired explaining to people why he is the way that he is. And compassion doesn't run deep in everyone. I smile through my tired and sweat filled body, while I fight to hold him and do my best to soothe him. They don't know the internal struggle that's going on inside both of us.

 

 

Then there are people who know his history.

The people that have seen us walk through the past two years.

I know their heart is genuine for the most part. I know that they love us and our boy. We have seen Jesus in the face of many, many people. People that we would not have expected to bless us, have blessed our socks off at times. Friendships have surfaced that are absolutely a blessing and friendships have faded from the awkwardness of our "situation". People don't always know what to say or do in situations like ours. Situations that seem to last for seasons and seasons.  Comments like, "Oh, he's sick again?" or "Oh, you poor guys." or "He looks so healthy.  Are you sure he's sick?" or "You just gotta have faith".  They ask how he's doing in hopes that you are going to say that he's doing great. And most of the time, I say that he is, because at the time, in the middle of the day, he's fine. When in reality, our nights are a nightmare. I used to look forward to bedtime, but now, it makes me nervous. I kind of hate it.  But, people don't want to hear that. They want to hear that he's doing good. They want to know that you are doing good, even though you're not. It's just a weird place to be. I pray all the time that my frustration and discontent in where we are does not reflect from my mouth towards others. I pray that my words are gentle and full of hope and strength. I pray that people see more of Him, and less of me. I pray that I reflect His grace over and over again.   But, sometimes, I just need to be real with myself. It's just hard all the way around.

 

My precious friend wrote a blog a week or so ago. I read it and sobbed and cheered and clapped like a crazy seal. It was as though she looked through the window of my heart and saw all the emotions inside of it. She's in a hard season with her own child. She really put things into perspective when it comes to dealing with others while they are in a hard place. She's pretty amazing! If you aren't following her blog, you should be. There's also an opportunity to bless her family at the bottom of each post.

http://www.bayoubelles.com/2015/09/lessons-learned-how-to-respond-to.html

 

 

Yesterday, as I watched my little doodlebug play in the dirt outside, I talked with God. I told Him how disappointed I was to be where we are, again. It's not exactly the same, and I am thankful that our boy's heart and esophagus are healed, but it's a familiar place I just didn't want to revisit.  I cried and let Him know what I thought of our situation.  And then I sat in the quiet as my tears hit my lap.  He gently reminded me of this scripture:

 

Psalm 34:18

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

 

Disappointed people have broken hearts. Disappointed people feel like their spirits are crushed.

 

That's me.

 

He is close to the disappointed. He is close to the broken hearted. He is close to those who are crushed in spirit. He is close. 

 

God knows that there will be times that our hearts will be crushed, times that we will be disappointed with our circumstance. And He promises to be close to us. He declares it. The word "is" declares it so. "Is" is a state of being. A place of current existence. In the midst of my disappointment, He IS close to me. He exists in the same space as I do.   He IS with me. He IS my God.

 

 

It's okay for me to feel this way. It's okay for me to not want to be here, to not want to relive this place with our boy.  Life is just that way sometimes, disappointing.

 

The scripture goes on to say:

 

Psalm 34:19



The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all;

Just because I am disappointed right now, doesn't mean that I don't believe He will deliver us, just like He did before. It doesn't mean I've lost my faith.  It's just a place I am right now. It only determines my current position, not my destination. 

 

I know that we will one day see this season as a distant memory. I know what my God is capable of. I know that the Redeemer redeems all things.  But, for now, this place is very real to us. It's where we are. It's our normal.

 

Proverbs 24:16
"for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again,"

 

 

Last night, I laid in bed with our little guy as we read one of the new books he received for his birthday. We snuggled and giggled as we read the book over and over again. In that moment, everything was just as it should be, perfect.

 

I'm disappointed, but it won't last forever.

 

 

Psalm 71:5-8

For you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord,

my confidence since my youth.

From birth I have relied on you;

you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.

I will ever praise you.

I have become a sign to many;

you are my strong refuge.

My mouth is filled with your praise,

declaring your splendor all day long.

 

 

Psalm 71:14

As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.

 

 



 

 

 

 

 



When He leans.

 

Psalm 116:1-2
I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.

 

 

Friends tell me all the time that I have what it takes to do this.

That God knew this sweet boy needed me. That he needed what only I could give him.

 

 

And each time I hear my friends say that...

I feel less than qualified.

 

In eight days, our little guy will undergo a major operation.

They will open his tiny little chest and repair an artery near his heart that has caused him more trouble than all of us expected.

 

And I wonder,

"How on earth am I prepared or qualified to handle this?"

 

I wonder, on some days, when I am so tired that I can't even remember the last time I bathed and sleeping becomes more important than eating, if God should have given this little angel to a twenty something-ball of energy-conquer the world-super girl...rather than me.

 

 

I question it...

where this invisible strength and ability that other people see stems from.

 

Your Grace abounds in deepest waters.

 

The past few days have been the hardest.

The questions I ask are the same but different.

"How do I do this, God? How do I hand my baby over to these doctors to perform this surgery? How?"
 

 

I try to wrap my mind around what is about to happen and I fall apart in tears at the drop of the smallest hat.

 

I'm in deep, real deep.

 

This is more than I can handle.

 

This is big, and I feel very small.

 

I wrote the struggle of this journey in a blog post a while back. It was at the beginning when we were just finding out about the health issues Isaac was having. At the time, all I could do was lean into God, because I felt my feet were failing me.

 

Around every corner they come...the tears.
They fall and they fall and I lean and I lean.

 The weakness takes over and I just want to fall over more and more.

I can barely feel my feet beneath me.
My heart is heavy.

 

That was almost seven months ago.

Since then, I have seen more than my momma's eyes and heart could imagine.

I have seen more needles poked into his soft fragile arms than I can count.

I have held him down screaming for the doctors to run test after test after test.

I have rocked a sick and tired baby for hours and hours and hours.
I have memorized the sound his heart beat makes as he has slept on my chest night after night.
I have laid my hands on his little body and prayed healing prayers until I have become breathless.

 

And today, as we finally have the answers we have searched for all these months, those feet...

have finally failed me and I feel as though I am falling flat on my face.

The energy to get back up...well, it's just not there.

 

My smallness gets even smaller.

 

But, that's when it happens...

The Leaning.

Not mine...but His.

 

 

Love that goes upward is worship;
 love that goes outward is affection;
 love that stoops is Grace.
~~Donald Grey Barnhouse

 

It's at the moment when I have collapsed in my weakness, that He leans into me.
  

As my chin falls to the floor, He lifts it up gently towards Him.

 

And He reminds me.

 

That He is all that I need.

That I don't have to be strong in every moment that comes.
That He is my help when I feel helpless.

Psalm 46:1
 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble.

Within His touch, my smallness doesn't seem to matter anymore...because His greatness is all I see.

His presence is all I feel.

 

  I begin to weep and say His name Jesus, over and over with grief ridden breathlessness.
Then He leans in,
 He hears
 and He knows.
 He knows my heart is heavy, worried and overflowing with love for this little boy.
He knows that I feel unqualified, unprepared, and less than enough.

 

 Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
 

He leans toward me, whispers softly into my heart the reason why I am qualified for this journey...

"Because you are mine and you were made for this."

And just as Sarah laughed when the Angel of The Lord told her she'd have a child in her old age, just as I laughed when God spoke those words to me... I giggle under my breath...
"Oh, God, You must know something that I don't."


Then I am reminded of the suitcase that is packed in my bedroom and sitting in the baby's crib.
I see it in my mind, the mountain of clothes and necessities being packed to be away from home with Isaac as he undergoes cardiac surgery.

Then I remember something else...

I've had a bag packed for over 7 months now.
I keep it tucked away in my closet. It's a small overnight bag. It has a set of clean clothes, toiletries and pajamas inside. Everything I need for an emergency trip is in that small bag.
We've visited the hospital so many times in this little boy's life, that I have kept a bag packed just in case. Just in case.
I tried many times to unpack it, but I could never get myself to do it.

He shows me that this suitcase represents my preparedness. It represents my readiness to go where He leads me. Its size represents how small I feel up against this giant we are about to face. But, still in all, it carries what I need. I may not have known why I packed the bag or where I was going, but I was ready to go and had everything I needed already inside of it.

I had everything I needed already inside of it.

I have everything I need already inside of me.
It's been tucked away for such a time as this.
And even though I feel small, there is greatness on the inside of me.
I carry everything I need inside of me.

God is that greatness.

God is that everything.

He is everything.

John 15:9
"For without me you can do nothing."

As this revelation becomes clearer and clearer to me, He leans in closer...
"You have Me. I am enough. I am all you need."

 

He is strong enough to hold me when I can not stand.
He is strong enough to hold me.
He is strong enough.

 He is enough.

 

He leans even closer, and His voice resonates in my heart as He speaks life into this baby...
"You don't hand him to them. You hand him to Me. I am enough for you and I am enough for him."

 

 I see Him stretching His arms out for me to collapse into them.
  I feel the warmth of His embrace as my tears mingle together as they fall at His feet.
I see the love in His eyes as He becomes ALL that I need and more.
I hear the comfort in His voice as He reminds me who He is. Because today, right now, in this very moment...
I need Him to be all that He says He is.


Luke 18:27
"But He said, 'What is impossible with men is possible with God.'"

When He leans...I don't feel so small anymore,
because His greatness is on the inside of me.

  He is everything I need.

He is enough.


Psalm25:5
"Lead my by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you."



Please be in prayer with us as we approach Isaac's day of surgery and believe with us...
 that God is more than enough.



I hope you'll join me.

 

 

I'm writing over at Joli Blog today. 

 

I'm sharing our amazing journey to this cutie-patootie...

 

 

 

I hope you'll join me!

 

He makes a way, where there is no way.

 

Be blessed!



Let them see You.

 

 "That is why waiting does not diminish us,

any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother.

(We are enlarged in the waiting.)

We don't see what is enlarging us.

But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

The moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along.

If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter.

 He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of wordless sighs, our aching groans.

 He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our condition,

and keeps us present before God.

That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives

 of love for God is worked into something GOOD."

 ~~Romans 8:24-28

 

It's been a while since I have written in this space.

 

The last time I wrote about our little Isaac, we had just received some news about his health and we were leaning into God with every ounce of energy we had.

Things were hard. Very hard.

 

To be honest,

we are still in that place of leaning.

And some days, some nights...are still very hard.

There are some days, that I don't even know what to pray or how to pray.
Sometimes, my prayers to God are just tears that I finally get to shed in the bathtub, when I am all alone in the quiet.

It feels as though we've been waiting forever to figure out exactly what's been going on inside of Isaac's little body, causing the issues that he is having.

 

We've spent the past few months searching for answers to many questions.

 

Some we have found, and some we are still on the hunt for.

 As we continue to search, we watch our little guy struggling with things that we wish we could take from him.
 

As I was riding in the car the other day on the way to another doctor appointment for Isaac,

I found myself in that place of leaning again.
That place of needing God to hold me...

 I see Him stretching His arms out for me to collapse into them.
  I feel the warmth of His embrace as my tears mingle together as they fall at His feet.
I see the love in His eyes as He becomes ALL that I need and more.
I hear the comfort in His voice as He reminds me who He is.
Because today, right now, in this very moment...
I need Him to be all that He says He is.
 

As the tears ran down my cheek, I pleaded with God...

 

"Let today be the day. Let this be the day we find an answer. I am tired, Lord. For Isaac's sake, let us find an answer today. Be my strength for yet another day, another appointment."

 

I continued driving and crying and listening to music. As the tears continued to moisten my face, God reminded me of something He had told me a few months before.

 

It was a few weeks before Isaac was born. We were preparing to have a newborn baby after thinking our little family was complete. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. I was praying and asking for God's guidance.

I had questions then too.
How will we do this?
How will we raise a newborn at our age?
How will we provide the needs for another child?
How?

God spoke to me in just a few simple words...

"Isaac will lack nothing."

As I drove, I thought of those words over and over until something finally clicked in my mind.

He will lack nothing.

He hasn't. He honestly hasn't.
God provided the way for us to get to Isaac. The path was a smooth one. One without flaw or without any detail left undone.
God has provided each and every little, or big thing that Isaac has needed, and much more.
He has provided everything that we have needed to care for him.
He has provided us with the strength to take on each day, each long night, each ER visit, each hospital stay, each specialist visit and each procedure.
He has given Isaac the strength to endure it all within his tiny little body.
He opened doors that were otherwise shut.
He has provided us with the most amazing community of friends to push us through, to encourage us along, to offer support, to pray and to love on us.

He has provided it all.

Isaac has lacked nothing.

So this tells me, that Isaac's body...lacks nothing also.

It lacks nothing.

nothing-not a thing

God knit Isaac's body together to His own perfection, inside his mother's womb,
 and he lacks nothing.

Not a thing.

That tells me that Isaac is already made whole. He is healed, inside and out.
 He is whole. Lacking nothing.

So, maybe we don't have the answers we search for. Maybe we don't know what is going on for sure with our little Isaac.

But whatever it may be...I know that he lacks nothing.

And that gives me peace. A very welcomed peace.

Psalm 16:5
Lord, You are my (Isaac's) portion and my (Isaac's) cup [of blessing]; You hold my (Isaac's) future.

I know that God has not left one thing out. Not one.

I know that God is his everything. He is our everything.
He is our portion. Our cup of blessing runneth over!

He is our answer. He is The Answer.
 

He is the way. He is the truth. He is the Life.
(John 14:6)

I've also realized, that even though I get weary going to doctor visit after doctor visit, each one is an opportunity to talk about Isaac's story and our journey to him.

It's an opportunity to give God praise for Isaac!
 It's an open door to share our miraculous adoption journey with each and every person that we come in contact with.

And believe me, everyone has asked how or why we chose to adopt a brand new baby at "our age".

It's been amazing to share the great things God has done, everywhere we go.
With everyone we meet.

It's been a chance for us to share with others the endless blessings behind obedience to God.

Because there are many!

It's a chance for us to let people know that this was not our doing at all, but all God's doing.

It's a chance for people to look into Isaac's sweet little face and see how God has detailed his life in such a beautiful way. Just like He has detailed all of our lives.

Isaac has totally rocked our world! In the best way possible!
 He has been such a precious gift to our family. Our family has grown tremendously closer because of Isaac.  I don't want to focus on what's wrong with Isaac anymore. I want to draw my energy towards everything that is right with him.

He is beautifully and wonderfully made by a Father who loves him!
That is worth praising God for!

Psalm 9:1
    I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders.


"God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him."
  ~~John Piper


I know that this season of unanswered questions is part of our story.
 It's part of Isaac's story.
 It's God's story and He is writing it through us.
I know that God is working everything out for Isaac's good. For our good.

For that, I am humbled and grateful.
 In that, I find peace and contentment for exactly where we are.
I trust God's heart concerning Isaac. I trust His heart concerning me.
I trust His heart concerning our family, and the lot that He has given us.

The idea that He would use Isaac's little life, my life, our life...to bring Him GLORY, is just amazing!
It's. just. amazing.

How can I not be changed by that?

I pray,
when I find myself weary,
when I begin to doubt or fear,
that I remember this...
 and that I be forever changed by it.
By this entire journey.

"...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked our for us."
~~Hebrews 12:1b


We will get the answers we search for in due time, and we know that God's timing is always perfect.  Until then, Jesus is the only answer we need.

The only One.


You've got to look for the glory and hunt for the grace and seize beauty in ugly and laugh brave and defiant in the dark and you can lose everything but nothing can steal Jesus and He is enough.
~~Ann Voskamp


This is my prayer today,
that behind every examining room door,
 doctor's office,
 procedure room,
every question about our journey asked,
or within each waiting room conversation...
people see God.

That they see Him. Really see Him.
Not me, not Isaac...but only the Glory that our lives bring to Him.

Let them see You, God. Let them see You.

Let them see You.


Psalm 27:13
I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

Psalm 31:24

 So be strong and courageous,
    all you who put your hope in the Lord!

 

 

 



Where I find myself.

 

 

 

 

When my daughter was about 3 years old,

we attended an out of state family reunion for my side of the family.

 

My family is quite large,

 being that I have oodles of siblings. Twelve to be exact.

We're more like a litter actually.

When we all get together it can be quite overwhelming for even us "big kids".

 

We arrived early to take in as much of the weekend as possible and soak up as many hugs and laughs as we could.

 

It was the first time my little one had been around so many family members at one time.

 

As the cars pulled up and the adults and children poured from their vehicles,

I could see that she was getting a little apprehensive toward the whole "reuniting" of the family members.

 

In no time, there were people everywhere.

 Adults were laughing and hugging.

Children were running around, playing and giggling loudly.

Unfamiliar faces were running past her, some stopping to question her name and some stooping down to kiss her on the cheek.

Everyone scurried around, to either greet the next family to arrive or gather up the covered meal brought with happy smiles.

The environment around her became quite busy, rather quickly.

 

For this little one, it was even more overwhelming.

 

After everyone had arrived,

I sat down on the porch swing and began to visit with a couple of my sisters.

 

We began talking, laughing and reminiscing with one another.

 

When...

I felt a little tug on my leg.

 

As I finished my sentence, I looked down and there was my little girl,

a little sweaty and smelly from the morning's overwhelming adventure,

urging me to let her sit on my lap.

 

I pulled her up and she nestled herself on my lap, fitting perfectly in the crook of my arm.

As her little body finished snuggling next to me, she let out a deep sigh.

 

And there she sat for the next hour,

looking and taking in all of the busyness around her...

but from the comfort of my lap.

 

I don't know if it was the fear of the unknown,

the busy crowd that had finally been too much for her,

the questioning of unfamiliar faces,

the dozens of wet kisses,

 if she just needed to sit in her safe place needing a rest,

if she just needed to reassure herself, amongst the dozens of faces, who she belonged to,

or if she needed to see things from a different view.

 

Whatever it was,

she had found it sitting on my lap for those 60 minutes.

 

She never moved. She sat still as could be.

I could feel her little racing heart as it slowed down in relaxation with every passing minute.

 

 

Then,

without a notice or a warning...

she made another deep sigh,

looked up at me smiling sweetly,

and climbed down off my lap to rejoin the children playing.

 

In the quiet, she had found what she had searched for.

 

 

Psalm 91:2

This I declare about the LORD:

He alone is my refuge,

 my place of safety;

 He is my God, and I trust him.

 

 

This is where I find myself lately...

tugging on His leg,

needing to climb up on my Father's lap,

nestling myself in the crook of His arm.

 

 

Maybe it's the fear of the unknown,

this sometimes overwhelming, but wonderful new journey we are on,

the busy crowd around me that seems to be too much lately,

the dozens of questions from onlookers and doubters,

the need for my safe place to find rest,

 just needing to see things from a different view... 

or maybe,

 just maybe,

 to remind myself to Whom I belong.

 

No matter what it is,

I find it nestled in Him, in His presence, on His lap.


Psalm 18:35
You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great.

I find what it is my heart searches for. 

In the stillness. In who He is.
 

In Him...is where I find myself.

 

 

Psalm 91:1

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

 

 

As I get snuggled in closely to Him, letting out a deep sigh,

He catches every apprehensive breath I take and gives me new breath to breathe.

Reviving my soul within the quiet,
and settling my heart with each passing moment.

 

Giving me what I need to continue on this journey.

 

 

I am the daughter of the King.

Who is not moved by the world.

For my God is with me and goes before me.

I do not fear because I am His.

 

 

Psalm 119:57-64

You are my portion, Lord;
    I have promised to obey your words, I have sought your face with all my heart;
    be gracious to me according to your promise.
 I have considered my ways and have turned my steps to your statutes.
 I will hasten and not delay to obey your commands.
 Though the wicked bind me with ropes,  I will not forget your law.
At midnight I rise to give you thanks for your righteous laws.
 I am a friend to all who fear you, to all who follow your precepts.
 The earth is filled with your love, Lord;  teach me your decrees.

 

 

 



When He parts the waters...

 

"When we live for the glory of God,
we show His goodness living through us instead of just living for ourselves." 
~~ Beth Moore

 

I have not blogged in over two months.

 

I have been busy trying to keep up with God and all that He is doing in our lives.

 I've literally had to hold on with all my might,
white knuckles clinching,
 breathless with anticipation and...
 trust Him.

 

Something BIG is happening.

Something that is coming soon.

Something that is going to change our lives in such a miraculous beautiful way.

Something that only God could have orchestrated in our lives.

 

Something that will bring glory to the One who is Glory.

 

As we have begun to share what God is doing,

I am happy to say that we have an array of friends and family

that have rallied around us to see this through.

 

They have wrapped us in such a sweet love embrace

and it makes my heart full each time I think of them.

 

They have prayed with us and laughed with us and even cried with us.

 

But on the other hand...

there are the "nay-sayers".

 

Those that have a hard time believing that it will happen.

 

In their disbelief or doubt,

they have chosen to try and pull me close to them.
They have attempted to push a black cloud over this beautiful amazing thing.
Even to the point of toppling me with words of unworthiness.

 

"But what if it doesn't happen?"

"What will you do?"

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Don't you worry that it's too good to be true?"
"I don't know if this is a good idea for you."

Those are some of the nicer things that have been said.
There have been others.

 

On most days, I have chosen NOT to let them pull me under.

I choose to believe. I choose to know who my God is.
I choose to keep my eyes on Him, and Him alone.

Then there are those days that those words of doubt and fear from others have crept in
and almost succeeded to steal the joy that can only be God given.

On those days, I do the only thing I know to do...
bury my face into His loving arms and wait for His plan to unfold in me.

I could do my best to answer their questions,
but I feel as though my breath would be wasted.

If I focus on them, then I take my eyes off of God and what He is doing,
and honestly...
I don't want to miss one moment of this beautiful journey that He has us on.
 

Instead,

 

 I think of Moses...
 at the moment that He reached the Red Sea followed by a mass of unbelieving Israelites and his enemy nipping at his heal.

I can imagine the crazy looks he received and the questions that were thrown at him from
those that tried to take him by the hand and pull him into their doubt.

And for a moment...maybe he did doubt.

But then,
as the winds blew off of the raging waters before him,
God whispered into his heart, the promise.
 The dream. His purpose.

Moses did nothing but believe in the God that had brought Him to that very place.
That very moment. That very second.


As God began to part the waters and raise them to the heavens creating a safe path for him and the Israelites to flee from their enemies,
I can just picture Moses' face.
I can imagine the glory words that came from his lips towards His God.

The God of Promise was keeping His promise to Moses.

And all Moses did was walk forward into God's obedience.
He surrendered to God as a vessel for His BIG plan.
He walked into God's plan with a willing heart.
With a heart longing to be used by His MIGHTY God.


God told Moses he would get glory over Pharaoh and prove that the Lord is God. After the Hebrews left Egypt, the king changed his mind and was angry that he had lost his source of slave labor. He summoned his 600 best chariots, all the other chariots in the land, and marched his massive army in pursuit. The Israelites seemed to be trapped. Mountains stood on one side, the Red Sea in front of them. When they saw Pharaoh's soldiers coming, they were terrified. Grumbling against God and Moses, they said they would rather be slaves again than die in the desert.   Moses answered the people,
"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you;
 you need only to be still."
(Exodus 14:13-14, NIV)


That is where I find myself today...
walking forward into obedience, with a willing heart longing to be used by my Mighty God.
Being still as God fights for me.
Allowing His peace to flow over me like a gentle rushing river.

In those moments,
 as the people walked on the dry bottom of the Red Sea,
walls of water flowing up beside them,
God's GLORY was seen by all.

All of the unbelievers, believed.

All of the doubters, saw.

All of the nay-sayers, hushed.

All of those who did not know God, met Him.

All of those with complaining lips, now had lips full of Praise.


The angel of God, in a pillar of cloud, stood between the people and the Egyptians, protecting the Hebrews. Then Moses stretched his hand out over the sea. The Lord caused a strong east wind to blow all night, parting the waters and turning the sea floor into dry land.  During the night, the Israelites fled through the Red Sea, a wall of water to their right and to their left. The Egyptian army charged in after them. Watching the chariots race ahead, God threw the army into a panic, clogging their chariot wheels to slow them down. Once the Israelites were safe on the other side, God commanded Moses to stretch out his hand again. As morning returned, the sea rolled back in, covering the Egyptian army, its chariots and horses. Not one man survived.

After witnessing this great miracle,
the people believed in the Lord and his servant Moses.

 

My God lives.

And He is a BIG God.

Capable of ALL things impossible or unfathomable or unbelievable or unimaginable.
He is the God of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses and Mary.
His hand was on each of them and His purpose fulfilled in all.

And that same God? He lives in me.

He lives through me.

This life I live is not my own and I have but one request...

that He use me.

 

That is it.

To use me,
 to let someone see His reflection in my life,
so that they would know His love to be real and tangible.
So that they might feel His amazing grace flow into their life.

 

It amazes me still,
that He would use such ordinary people,
like you and me,
without any bells and whistles,
to reveal His greatness and His glory and His love to others.

We serve the God of the angel armies!
The Miracle Maker.
The Promise Keeper.
The Dream Creator.

He holds this earth that we stand on in the palm of His hands
and His breath breathes life into every thing that lives.

He is capable of things our minds can not begin to comprehend.
Wonderful, beautiful, amazing things!

And you know what?
His dream and plan for you will happen.
Not everyone is going to believe it,
 or see the dream that God has placed on your heart,
but that's okay.
He only needs you to believe in it.

Sometimes,
you might even have to celebrate...just you and God.
And that...is okay.
Party of two.
 Woohoo!!

(I hear He's a pretty good party thrower. He's preparing one huge Party for us right now!)

The thing is...

my job is not to wonder if He will fulfill what He has said,

my job is to know that He can.

So,
I walk forward
into God's plan for us.

With an expectant heart.
Believing. Knowing.

Watching...
for when He receives all GLORY for this BIG beautiful thing that He is doing.

And when He parts the waters...
and I feel the wet droplets hit my cheeks,
 from the walls of water to my left and to my right,
 I will lift my eyes to the Promise Keeper,
and
I will rejoice in knowing that He is God.

Exodus 15:1-3 Then Moses and the Israelites sang this song to the Lord, "I will sing to the Lord for He is highly exalted.  Both horse and driver has hurled into the sea. The Lord is my strength and my defense, He has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise Him, my Father's God and I will exalt Him."



Bridegroom.

 

Well, hi everyone.
 I am sure most of you are well aquainted with me, at least my name.

Haha.

 I am the daughter of the famous blogger, Tammy Stelly.

 Not only is it an honor to be writing a blog on her blog page,
but it is pretty sweet to be her daughter as well.
 She is the best mother that I could ask for.
 If I was stuck with someone else, well, it would be interesting, to say the least.

Anyways, moving on.

I would like to share a little bit about what God has been doing inside me
and through me in the past seven months.

As some of you know,
I am in Master's Commission,
a college program designed to get to know the heart of God while learning how to make Him known.

I began my second year in September.
The first year of Master's Commission is all about you being poured into by awesome women of God and just figuring out who you are in God,
 although I believe you are never done figuring that out.
(That's just me though.)


The second year is dedicated to coming back as a leader and being a disciple in training.

 Disciple in training.

That's what God is molding me into these past seven months.

What a difficult thing it is!
Don't get me wrong guys, it's beautiful.
 Everytime I see these amazing women of God growing, changing, and transforming,
I look up to God and say, "Lord, thank you."

 However, I have to say recently I forgot that I needed to be filled up to pour out.

Then, I thought I got things right.
 I was praying. I was reading His word. I was loving His people.

 I said that I loved Him, but I felt like I was missing something.

 Sometime in March,
 I found myself being so distracted by future plans, by people, and by the opinions of others.
Anything that could get me off of His face, that's what I was looking at.

 There was a song I wrote in the beginning of my year, and it was about God telling me to keep my eyes on Him because there was nothing better to see....
He reminded me of this song and I couldn't help but feel convicted.

 I asked God to forgive me and to help me.
Then, He told me that He wanted me to be intimate with Him.

 Intimacy.
What does that even look like?

I remember feeling literally afraid of failing.
 I told God ,
"I don't know how to be intimate with people, much less you."

 It was a moment of honesty with myself.
How scary is it to just be honest to God, not in our thoughts, but out loud, vulnerable, saying...

 "Here I am God. Even though you already know my condition. This is where I am at."

 

The definition of intimacy is close familiarity or friendship; closeness.

Now that I knew what He wanted from me, I had to figure out how to give it to Him.

"Father, I love you!" I cried.

 "But how do I fall in love with you? I've only seen you as a Father, a friend, a comforter. But my love, my husband? "

My first year of Master's Commission, I was influenced by a girl named Mallory.
 She always talked about being in love with Jesus.

I got what she was saying.
I respected it and believed it to be absolutely true that God is our first love, but the idea of me feeling that way or experiencing God in this romance type way was just out of the question for me.

I am the girl with the walls.
I am the one who is stubborn.
I am the one who runs to the altars last, because I don't always want people to see me.
 I am not the falling in love with Jesus type.
I fear Him. I love Him.
 I don't fall in love.

Besides, every time I thought I was in love, I got it all wrong.
Intimacy was a fear of mine.
 Kinda still is.

But I must tell you, things are changing.

A few weeks ago, I was praying about being intimate with God.
I was also reading one of my books from Westcoast,
the online Bible college that I am a part of.

 I came upon a single paragraph titled "Intimacy with God."

Of course.

God is so crazy sometimes.

I read the first sentence.

It said,
 "The reason that people are afraid of intimacy is because they are scared that once that person sees everything about them, they will no longer like them."

I mean...what else is there to say?

 That statement was everything I needed to face.
Not only was it true, but it was me.

 I told God,
"Okay, this is me.
I am scared that You won't like me too much if I start drawing close to you
 in an intimate way.
I know that You will always love me God.
 But what about me is appealing? I sorta suck without You."

 Then, I thought about the relationships I had been a part of in my past,
 and the way that they drew me.

They took me on dates. They bought me flowers.

 So, I asked God to help me fall in love with Him.
 I need God to even want God.
Crazy concept.
We need God to want Him.
 Our flesh doesn't desire intimacy with God.

Intimacy with God is the exact thing that Adam and Eve had with Him in a perfect world,
yet abandoned it.
 
But why is it treated as though it was never given back?

The devil's plan is that his daughters and sons would never know intimacy with Him.
God created me to love Him,
but to also know intimacy with Him.

Like most Christian women my age, I have been thinking about marriage lately.
 But the more I think about it, the more I need to draw near to God.
If I don't understand intimacy with my Creator,
 I shall never be able to be intimate with a man.
 It will fail.
The marriage will fail.
 Being cutesy will only get me so far.
Being respectful will only get me so far.
 But intimacy...
 Intimacy is what will build the relationship.
 A closeness.

 The thing about intimacy though, is that no matter how much your groom pursues you,
 you must be willing to go with Him to the secret place.
 He can't make you come closer, but He can draw you.

 

I was reading Ezekiel 16,
which is God talking to Jerusalem,
the adulterous wife He calls her, because of all of her sins against Him.

 I thought it was such a beautiful picture of God's love for me.

 It's Ezekiel 16:8-14

 "Later, I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you
and covered your naked body.
 I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you,
declares the Sovereign Lord, and you became mine.
 I bathed you with water and washed the blood from you
 and put ointments on you.
I clothed you with an embroidered dress
and put sandals of fine leather on you.
 I dressed you in fine linen and covered you with costly garments.
 I adorned you with jewelry:
 I put bracelets on your arms and a necklace around your neck,
and I put a ring on your nose, earrings on your ears,
and a beautiful crown on your head.
 So you were adorned with gold and silver;
 your clothes were of fine linen and costly fabric and embroidered cloth.
Your food was honey, olive oil and the finest flour.
You became very beautiful and rose to be a queen.
And your fame spread among the nations on account of your beauty,
 because the splendor I had given you made your beauty perfect,
declares the Sovereign Lord."

He goes on to say how she has taken all of the items of beauty He gave her and prostituted them to "anyone who passed by."

As I read this, I was so burdened.
I thought God, how many times do I give my heart out to random people and witness, but I am hesitant to be intimate with You.
I am afraid.
 Wow.
Afraid of what He has given to me, the gift of intimacy.
 It is a gift!
I had been missing out on this entire characteristic of God because of my own fear.

Intimacy with God is something that I am experiencing lately.
 It is one of the most amazing things I have ever known.
It is not based on an emotion either.
 I am not always giddy to be in God's presence,
but I am finding myself more and more in love with His character.

 

 The emotions raging inside me are so incredibly flimsy, but God is my constant love.

 
Not only is He drawing me closer, He is whispering things to me in the secret place.

He is establishing me as a woman.

He is telling me that I am loved. And that is enough.

No amount of makeup, weight loss, hair product,
or anything can make me more appealing to God.

He saw me from the beginning and called me His own.

 

The question He has been asking me, I will pose to you who are reading this...

 

 "Love, why are you afraid? You were naked from the start. "

Exposing ourselves before God is not something to be scorned.
 

 When we show Him who we are, we are walking in complete freedom.

 
 

Psalm 139:1-24.

 "O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit down and rise up.
You discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down and
 are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue, before O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in behind and before and lay your hand upon me."

 

I do not believe that David ever regretted dancing before God.

 I can't imagine Mary feeling shame for washing Jesus' feet.

 

 Worship is not shameful.

 

I believe that by God calling me to intimacy with Him,

He is calling me to a place of deeper worship.

 

 Let's go there.
Let's stop being afraid of Him not liking what He sees.

He has seen everything already.

 It is time to take the coverings off and dance unashamed with our Groom.

 It is time for intimacy.

And with that, these are the lyrics to one of my songs titled "Bridegroom."

You may click the link below the lyrics to listen to the song.

 I pray that this has ministered to someone today.

 

 

 White dress

walking down the aisle

bouquet in hand

heart on fire

here I am

polished and new

ready to follow you

unveil me

unveil me so gently

Bridegroom, I do I do.

 

Bridegroom

http://youtu.be/9QLv3ZNJE2w

(Song and lyrics protected by U.S. Copyright)


It has been an amazing two years for Amber in her XMC experience!

God has given her the opporunity to reach out to people all over the United States
and also countries abroad, such as Romania and Italy,
 with the Gospel and the Love of Jesus.

God is pursuing His children!

As with any other mission field,
at home or abroad,
there is an expense.
            
Amber is in need of either sponsors or donations to continue her journey through Master's Commission to receive her Bachelors degree in Biblical Counseling.


There is a balance of $2,500.00
and we are believing God to provide the rest of her tuition by the deadline,
 which falls at the beginning of May.

If we could get 25 people to donate $100.00--it would pay off her balance.

We know God is capable of this!

If you are interested in sponsoring Amber or giving a donation towards her tuition,
(of any amount)
and have a question about anything,
please email me at tammy.stelly@yahoo.com.

If you can not give at this time, we would appreciate your prayers!


Sponsorships or donations can be mailed to:

Crossroads Church
150 Verona Drive
Lafayette, LA 70507

Please make checks payable to Crossroads Master's Commission
and
put Amber Stelly-XMC in the memo section.


Thank you!